Council on Foreign Relations expels George P. Bush for Incompetence

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GEORGE SOROS’ SECRET LAIR— Texas Land Commissioner George P. Bush has been expelled from the Council on Foreign Relations.

Following revelations that the Texas General Land office funneled an oil lease into a company in which Bush had unvested stock options, the Council on Foreign Relations held an emergency meeting to expel Bush from the group.

“Several years ago, the CFR anointed George P. Bush to rewrite the history of the Alamo,” the group said in a statement. “Since then, Bush’s incompetence has laid bare our intentions. Yesterday’s Texas Tribune report was the scandal that broke the bimbo’s back.”

“We’re globalists, not retards.”

Abbott Endorses Sarah Davis’ Honesty on Abortion

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West University Place — Following a contentious 2018 primary battle, Governor Greg Abbott today endorsed State Representative Sarah Davis for another term in 2020.

“Sarah Davis represents exactly what voters have come to expect from Texas Republicans,” said Abbott.

“Whereas other legislators use deception and sleight of hand to hide their true position on abortion, Sarah Davis is open and upfront about hers.”

“Sarah Davis’ honesty is something other Republican legislators would do well to emulate and I fully endorse her.”

State Representative Denounces “Damn Chinamen”

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FT. BEND COUNTY — Facing the first credible primary challenge of his career, Republican State Representative Rick Miller recently attacked his political opponents.

“These Damn Chinamen are coming out of nowhere,” Miller lamented. “They’re everywhere. Now they want my seat.”

When informed that his opponent, Jacey Jetton, was actually Korean, Miller was defiant.

“They all look the same to me.”

Herman claims to be “Totally Not Arrogant You Stupid Twit”

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AUSTIN — Following his team’s 24-10 loss to Baylor this past week, Texas Longhorns head football coach Tom Herman met the media on Monday.

“Obviously, last week was disappointing, but we have to regroup and go 1-0 against Texas Tech,” said Herman.

Asked if he had gotten out-coached, or grown arrogant in Year 3, Herman was defiant.

“Look, we have a system at the University of Texas,” Herman continued. “I hire the assistants coaches, then they tell me how awesome I am. That hasn’t changed. So I’m totally not arrogant you stupid twit.

The Longhorns have lost four or more games for ten consecutive seasons.

Kardashian intimidated by Lt. Governor’s Attention Seeking

Found on Twitter

Houston — Following a recent encounter at a religiously-themed entertainment center, reality TV star Kim Kardashian told friends she was “intimidated” by Texas Lt. Governor Dan Patrick.

“That dude’s crazy. I almost got whiplash keeping up with all the cameras. To be honest, it was kind of intimidating.”

“I guess releasing a sex tape is nothing compared to politician who thinks he’s won the Super Bowl.”

Governor Angry with Fast Food Restaurant for Foiling Plan to Deceive Voters

Screenshot: Greg Abbott Twitter

Austin — Texas Governor Greg Abbott was upset following Chick-fil-a’s recent controversial decision to redirect a portion of their corporate philanthropy.

“Over the past six months,” Abbott said, “my administration has diligently sought to create the perception that the third wealthiest restaurant chain in the country faced a mortal threat from which they could only be saved by Texas politicians.”

“Chick-fil-a’s recent announcements pose a mortal threat to that effort, less than a year before the 2020 election.”

Abbott vowed to spite Chick-fil-a by eating some of the worst BBQ in the state.

Legislator retires to become Full Time Mule for Drug Cartels

Texas Department of Public Safety via Direct Action Texas

Eagle Pass — Citing an “exciting new opportunity” state representative Poncho Nevarez last Friday announced his retirement from the Texas house of representatives.

“Following close to a decade of loyal service, I’ve been given an exciting new opportunity to secure generational wealth for my family.”

Nevarez, who currently chairs the Texas house’s Homeland Security committee, was known as a fierce opponent of Border Security during his time in the legislature.

Nevarez is expected to take over the Eagle Pass to Austin route.

Jerry Jones sleeps on bed of taxpayer dollars following loss

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Arlington — After the Dallas Cowboys shocking 28-24 loss to the Minnesota Vikings last night, team owner Jerry Jones (net worth: $8.5 Billion) slept on a bed constructed exclusively out of Texans’ tax dollars.

The bed, primarily consisting revenues generated from a stadium constructed at the expense of local Arlington taxpayers, also contains generous contributions from the state of Texas’ “Major Events Trust Fund.”

Additionally, Frisco taxpayers are reported to have ponied up through shouldering construction costs for the Cowboys practice facility.

“Who needs to win football games when taxpayers pay us regardless?!?” asked Jones.

The Cowboys last won a Super Bowl in 1996.

Abbott, Adler, pledge to mutually exploit homelessness for political purposes

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Austin — As the Texas’ capitol city’s homelessness crisis enters its fifth month, Governor Greg Abbott and Mayor Steve Adler have reached an agreement.

“An ongoing homelessness crisis is exactly what I need to convince voters to approve a big tax increase,” explained Adler, “furthermore, it’s a great excuse to appoint my friends and cronies to six-figure jobs inside city government.”

“Meanwhile, I pledge to do the absolute bare minimum to keep Fox News talking about this topic,” said Abbott, while also noting fundraising opportunities.

Austinites were sobbing quietly.

Tribune Marks End of O’Rourke Campaign with Candlelight Vigil

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Congress Ave — Following Beto O’Rourke’s departure from the 2020 presidential race, several Texas Tribune reporters and staffers were seen holding candles Friday night.

“I felt like this was something we had to do,” said Editor-in-chief Emily Ramshaw. “Beto just meant so much to us. It’s hard to believe it’s over.”

“Numb. Just numb. That’s how I feel” offered national correspondent Abby Livingston.

According to Executive Editor Ross Ramsey, “the biggest challenge is going to be filling the news-hole now that the subject of 60% of our coverage has departed.”

“We’ve certainly lost our meal ticket,” explained founder and CEO Evan Smith.

“We’re certainly going to have to tweak our business model,” Smith continued, “hopefully the Austin lobbyist crowd is interested.”

For now, the Tribune plans to distribute coloring books and puppies in the newsroom.