GEORGE SOROS’ SECRET LAIR— Texas Land Commissioner George P. Bush has been expelled from the Council on Foreign Relations.
Following revelations that the Texas General Land office funneled an oil lease into a company in which Bush had unvested stock options, the Council on Foreign Relations held an emergency meeting to expel Bush from the group.
“Several years ago, the CFR anointed George P. Bush to rewrite the history of the Alamo,” the group said in a statement. “Since then, Bush’s incompetence has laid bare our intentions. Yesterday’s Texas Tribune report was the scandal that broke the bimbo’s back.”
AUSTIN — Following his team’s 24-10 loss to Baylor this past week, Texas Longhorns head football coach Tom Herman met the media on Monday.
“Obviously, last week was disappointing, but we have to regroup and go 1-0 against Texas Tech,” said Herman.
Asked if he had gotten out-coached, or grown arrogant in Year 3, Herman was defiant.
“Look, we have a system at the University of Texas,” Herman continued. “I hire the assistants coaches, then they tell me how awesome I am. That hasn’t changed. So I’m totally not arrogant you stupid twit.
The Longhorns have lost four or more games for ten consecutive seasons.
Austin — Texas Governor Greg Abbott was upset following Chick-fil-a’s recent controversial decision to redirect a portion of their corporate philanthropy.
“Over the past six months,” Abbott said, “my administration has diligently sought to create the perception that the third wealthiest restaurant chain in the country faced a mortal threat from which they could only be saved by Texas politicians.”
“Chick-fil-a’s recent announcements pose a mortal threat to that effort, less than a year before the 2020 election.”
Abbott vowed to spite Chick-fil-a by eating some of the worst BBQ in the state.
Arlington — After the Dallas Cowboys shocking 28-24 loss to the Minnesota Vikings last night, team owner Jerry Jones (net worth: $8.5 Billion) slept on a bed constructed exclusively out of Texans’ tax dollars.
Austin — As the Texas’ capitol city’s homelessness crisis enters its fifth month, Governor Greg Abbott and Mayor Steve Adler have reached an agreement.
“An ongoing homelessness crisis is exactly what I need to convince voters to approve a big tax increase,” explained Adler, “furthermore, it’s a great excuse to appoint my friends and cronies to six-figure jobs inside city government.”
“Meanwhile, I pledge to do the absolute bare minimum to keep Fox News talking about this topic,” said Abbott, while also noting fundraising opportunities.