AUSTIN — Following hard fought and contentious primary elections, a bipartisan group of incoming freshmen legislators from safe districts held their first meeting.
“It was really productive,” said Republican candidate Honkey Q. Cracker. “It was refreshing to hear from lobbyists and political insiders, rather than my friends and neighbors on the campaign trail. While I ran on abolishing abortion, banning taxpayer funded lobbying, and capping government spending, what I’m looking forward to most is shoveling ever increasing sums of taxpayer dollars to unionized government employees.”
Democrat candidate Latina X. Personofcolor concurred: “While I ran on protecting the rights of women and indiginous peoples, I can’t wait to dramatically expand corporate subsides.
The Texas Association of Business praised Cracker and Personofcolor for their “ability to set campaign rhetoric aside and realize it’s time to govern.”
AUSTIN — Following Senator Kirk Watson’s surprise announcement that he would resign from the Texas Senate, Austin City Councilmember Greg Casar said he was “seriously considering” drastic action.
“For far too long, comrades, the Texas Senate has been an obstacle to the Revolution,” Casar continued. “It’s time to hold them accountable for their crimes. I am seriously considering leading that charge.”
“The time has come to bring the same glories to the Texas Senate that we have seen in Cuba, North Korea, and Venezuela.”
The Texas Association of Business announced their endorsement of Casar shortly thereafter.
AUSTIN — Following high-profile feuds with local officials over the city’s ongoing homelessness crisis, Governor Greg Abbott is conducting a poll.
“This data will allow me to resassure Texans that I have their best interests at heart,” said Abbott.
“Obviously, I could call a special session to override Austin’s ordinance,” Abbott continued. “Or I could simply follow through on my earlier promises to clear the areas where the state has jurisdiction. But might make people mad.”
WASHINGTON — Talking with reporters the day after Governor Abbott removed Texas from the federal refugee resettlement program, Senator John Cornyn said he was withholding judgement until he could meet with the Governor.
“As you’re aware, Governor Abbott polls everything,” Cornyn said, “and in an election year it would be foolish for me to comment before I saw it.”
“For now, I’ll defer to the Governor’s political consultants.”
The Republican party of Texas praised Cornyn for his courage.
DALLAS — Running for the Republican nomination in the 32nd congressional district, candidate Genevieve Collins recently released a campaign video highlighting biographical accomplishments. In the video, Collins discussed her business background and how it influences her views on the economy. According to sources, the whole thing was “surprisingly normal.”
GEORGE SOROS’ SECRET LAIR— Texas Land Commissioner George P. Bush has been expelled from the Council on Foreign Relations.
Following revelations that the Texas General Land office funneled an oil lease into a company in which Bush had unvested stock options, the Council on Foreign Relations held an emergency meeting to expel Bush from the group.
“Several years ago, the CFR anointed George P. Bush to rewrite the history of the Alamo,” the group said in a statement. “Since then, Bush’s incompetence has laid bare our intentions. Yesterday’s Texas Tribune report was the scandal that broke the bimbo’s back.”