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Austin City Council Votes to Replace Police Department with Rainbow Unicorns

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AUSTIN — Following a long and contentious meeting, the Austin City Council unanimously voted to replace the local police department with a squad of rainbow unicorns.

The measure, originally proposed by councilmember Greg Casar, abolishes the Austin police department. In its place, council directed city manager Spencer Cronk to hire 1300 unicorns. Council expects the unicorns to eliminate displacement, end homelessness, and get rid of all forms of social inequity.

Mayor Steve Adler hailed the development as “forward looking and transformative,” and “a progressive model for all cities.”

Councilmember Jimmy Flannigan amended the measure to make the unicorns rainbow “in honor of pride month.”

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Austin Chronicle Reporter Declares Apple Pie Racist

AUSTIN — Having recently attacked motherhood, Austin Chronicle reporter Austin Sanders is at it again.

“I am sick and tired of all this talk about Apple pie,” said Sanders. “Everybody knows that apples comes from the pillaging of indigenous people. Thomas Jefferson once ate an apple.”

“Apple pie represents patriarchy and white supremacy.”

Sanders then texted councilmember Greg Casar to coordinate publicity for a city ordinance banning apple pie.

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Texas Democrats excited to find new ways to screw this all up

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AUSTIN — Facing their best political environment in a generation, Texas’ long beleaguered minority party is excited.

“It’s a great time to be a Democrat,” said state Representative Celia Israel, who runs the party’s campaign arm. “Between Greg Abbott bungling the COVID-19 response so badly and Donald Trump doing…whatever it is he’s doing, we have more material than ever. I can’t wait to see how we blow this.”

“We’ve barely said a word about the corrupt house speaker. We thought Elizabeth Warren and Bobby Francis O’Rourke would play well in Ft. Bend county. What’ll we come up with next?!?”

Following Israel’s remarks, the party announced Planned Parenthood would lead get out the vote efforts in rural counties.

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Keystone Cops send “Cease and Desist” Letter to Texas GOP

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THE INTERNET/REMOTE LOCATIONS — Having seen the biannual state convention descend into farce for the third consecutive day, it appears the Republican Party of Texas has a new problem on its hands.

The Keystone Cops, an early twentieth century silent film stars known for their bumbling ineptitude, have sent party chairman James Dickey a ‘cease and desist’ letter.

The letter accuses the Texas GOP of “stealing our intellectual property through a never-ending series of blunders that couldn’t possibly be serious.”

Party officials assure the #TXLEGEREPORT that all is well and convention delegates should receive their credentials shortly.

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Texas GOP postpones convention to explore new avenues of humiliation

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HOUSTON/THE INTERNET — Having successfully achieved their previous goal of canceling their in person convention in the most humiliating way possible, Texas GOP officials are on a roll.

Early Friday morning, facing “unforseen technical glitches” and following their eleventy-zillionth ’emergency’ meeting of the past month, the state Republican executive committee voted to delay virtual convention proceedings until Saturday.

“Friday’s delay allows the party to explore the best avenue to humiliate ourselves moving forward,” party chairman James Dickey explained. “Clearly, court losses and inability to vet delegate credentials online don’t phase us. What will we come up with next?!? Turn in Saturday!!!

Dickey’s opponent, Allen West, was giving a paid speech out of state and was unavailable for comment.

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Texas GOP vows to cancel convention in most humiliating way possible

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HOUSTON — Faced with a restive base that’s livid with their Governor and a general public that’s lost confidence in its’ stewardship, Texas GOP leadership is staying the course regarding next week’s state convention.

“When planning for this convention began, I was loved,” explained Governor Greg Abbott. “Now, my pollsters have warned me I could get booed. Those optics are unacceptable.”

“Obviously, if there were a genuine public health crisis, I could have cancelled the convention a month ago,” Abbott continued. “Similarly, if public health is a non-issue, I could allow the convention to move forward without a slow drip of demoralizing headlines. My administration, however, remains committed to indecisive half measures that please nobody. But everybody knows where this is headed.

Party chairman James Dickey hailed “Governor Abbott’s visionary leadership. ” Dickey’s opponent, Allen West, was delivering a paid speech and could not be reached for comment. Texas Democrats promised to find a way to somehow, some way, screw up even this opportunity.

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Dallas Cowboys Announce Signing of Antonio Brown

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ARLINGTON — The Dallas Cowboys have announced the signing of Pro-Bowl reciever Antonio Brown.

The receiver, who has been out of the league following sexual assault accusations in 2019, is expected to compliment the Cowboys’ receiving corps.

“We are pleased to announce the signing of Antonio Brown,” said team owner Jerry Jones. “Antonio is a fine young man and an example of the character and values we expect of our organization. From Dez Bryant, to Ezekiel Elliot, to myself, we expect Antonio to carry on the great traditions of the Dallas Cowboys.”

Brown had reportedly been under consideration for a coaching position at Baylor University.

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Abbott announces state will reopen “according to campaign contributions and polling results”

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AUSTIN — Appearing at an end of week news conference, Governor Greg Abbott announced a ‘strike force’ to guide Texas through post-Coronavirus re-opening.

“Over the next ten days,” Abbott said, “I have instructed my team to examine campaign finance records. In addition, I have authorized an unprecedented outlay for in-field political polling. This data driven approach will guide me in the coming weeks.”

Abbott’s strike forces is excpected to report back within ten days, at which time Abbott “hopes to begin targeted reopenings according to campaign contributions and polling results.”

The Texas Association of Business praised Abbott’s “bold and visionary” approach.

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Abbott to reopen economy as soon as polling indicates it’s safe

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AUSTIN — Following Lt. Governor Dan Patrick’s creation of an advisory committee to advise on post-Coronavirus economic restoration, Governor Greg Abbott has pledged to issue an executive order next week to guide the process.

“I intended to collect all of the greatest experts in the business,” Abbott said. “From Gallup, to Rasmussen, to NBC News/Wall St. Journal, to Zogby, to several of my own private pollsters, they will guide my every move.”

“As soon as I am confident 50%+1 of our citizens will support such a move,” Abbott continued, “I will move swiftly to reopen Texas.”

Texas Democrats responded to Abbott’s move by calling it racist.

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Patrick Proposes Harvesting Elderly for Soylent Green to promote Coronavirus Economic Recovery

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HOUSTON — In a recent appearance on Fox News’ Tucker Carlson show, Lt. Governor proposed what he called an “innovative solution” to address the economic fallout from the Coronavirus pandemic.

“As this shutdown continues with no end in sight, the economic repercussions have become clear” Patrick said. Too many Texans are struggling to put food on the table. Meanwhile, Senior Citizens clog our health care facilities and reduce capacity.”

“Therefore,” Patrick continued, “I am proposing the slaughter of Texans over the age of 70 for purposes of food. Senior citizens are a robust source of protein. This is the type of innovative solution and outside the box thinking Texas needs.

Governor Greg Abbott said he would discuss Patrick’s proposal at a Tuesday press conference.