Party Chairman Candidate Vows to Focus on Personal Enrichment

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NORTH CAROLINA — Speaking to an out of state group, Republican Party of Texas chairman candidate Allan West called his candidacy “an unprecedented opportunity.”

“Between book deals, cable news appearances, and speaking fees,” said West, “we can make 2020 my greatest year yet.”

“This is an unprecedented opportunity to distract voters from the failures of our party in the legislature through sensationalist commentary on national issues.”

Texas Alliance for Life Executive Director Joe Pojman said he was “pleased to have a man after my own heart running for Party chairman.”

Cornyn waiting to see Abbott’s polling before taking position on refugees

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WASHINGTON — Talking with reporters the day after Governor Abbott removed Texas from the federal refugee resettlement program, Senator John Cornyn said he was withholding judgement until he could meet with the Governor.

“As you’re aware, Governor Abbott polls everything,” Cornyn said, “and in an election year it would be foolish for me to comment before I saw it.”

“For now, I’ll defer to the Governor’s political consultants.”

The Republican party of Texas praised Cornyn for his courage.

Republican Candidate attempts Bold Strategy of Not Being Complete Troglodyte

Screenshot: Genevieve Collins campaign video “100% Texan.”

DALLAS — Running for the Republican nomination in the 32nd congressional district, candidate Genevieve Collins recently released a campaign video highlighting biographical accomplishments. In the video, Collins discussed her business background and how it influences her views on the economy. According to sources, the whole thing was “surprisingly normal.”

“Imagine that,” the source continued, “a Republican candidate eschewing monosyllabic buzzwords.”

“What’s next, a serious discussion of issues?!?”

Officials at Fox News cautioned against expecting the latter outcome.

Abbott Endorses Sarah Davis’ Honesty on Abortion

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West University Place — Following a contentious 2018 primary battle, Governor Greg Abbott today endorsed State Representative Sarah Davis for another term in 2020.

“Sarah Davis represents exactly what voters have come to expect from Texas Republicans,” said Abbott.

“Whereas other legislators use deception and sleight of hand to hide their true position on abortion, Sarah Davis is open and upfront about hers.”

“Sarah Davis’ honesty is something other Republican legislators would do well to emulate and I fully endorse her.”