AUSTIN — Following hard fought and contentious primary elections, a bipartisan group of incoming freshmen legislators from safe districts held their first meeting.
“It was really productive,” said Republican candidate Honkey Q. Cracker. “It was refreshing to hear from lobbyists and political insiders, rather than my friends and neighbors on the campaign trail. While I ran on abolishing abortion, banning taxpayer funded lobbying, and capping government spending, what I’m looking forward to most is shoveling ever increasing sums of taxpayer dollars to unionized government employees.”
Democrat candidate Latina X. Personofcolor concurred: “While I ran on protecting the rights of women and indiginous peoples, I can’t wait to dramatically expand corporate subsides.
The Texas Association of Business praised Cracker and Personofcolor for their “ability to set campaign rhetoric aside and realize it’s time to govern.”
WASHINGTON — Talking with reporters the day after Governor Abbott removed Texas from the federal refugee resettlement program, Senator John Cornyn said he was withholding judgement until he could meet with the Governor.
“As you’re aware, Governor Abbott polls everything,” Cornyn said, “and in an election year it would be foolish for me to comment before I saw it.”
“For now, I’ll defer to the Governor’s political consultants.”
The Republican party of Texas praised Cornyn for his courage.
DALLAS — Running for the Republican nomination in the 32nd congressional district, candidate Genevieve Collins recently released a campaign video highlighting biographical accomplishments. In the video, Collins discussed her business background and how it influences her views on the economy. According to sources, the whole thing was “surprisingly normal.”