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Murphy excited to lead house Republicans in new era of graft and corruption

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AUSTIN — During their caucus meeting Saturday, Texas house Republicans selected Jim Murphy to be their new caucus chair.

Murphy, a state representative from the Houston area, is best known for a 2018 corruption scandal when a local TV station discovered he was collecting $56,000 per month running an obscure local government entity while chairing their legislative oversight committee.

“This an exciting new era,” Murphy said. “I’m honored to have been selected by colleagues to do what I do best. This will be the Republican caucus’ most profitable session ever.”

The Texas Association of Business praised Murphy as “our kind of Republican.”

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Keystone Cops send “Cease and Desist” Letter to Texas GOP

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THE INTERNET/REMOTE LOCATIONS — Having seen the biannual state convention descend into farce for the third consecutive day, it appears the Republican Party of Texas has a new problem on its hands.

The Keystone Cops, an early twentieth century silent film stars known for their bumbling ineptitude, have sent party chairman James Dickey a ‘cease and desist’ letter.

The letter accuses the Texas GOP of “stealing our intellectual property through a never-ending series of blunders that couldn’t possibly be serious.”

Party officials assure the #TXLEGEREPORT that all is well and convention delegates should receive their credentials shortly.

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Texas GOP postpones convention to explore new avenues of humiliation

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HOUSTON/THE INTERNET — Having successfully achieved their previous goal of canceling their in person convention in the most humiliating way possible, Texas GOP officials are on a roll.

Early Friday morning, facing “unforseen technical glitches” and following their eleventy-zillionth ’emergency’ meeting of the past month, the state Republican executive committee voted to delay virtual convention proceedings until Saturday.

“Friday’s delay allows the party to explore the best avenue to humiliate ourselves moving forward,” party chairman James Dickey explained. “Clearly, court losses and inability to vet delegate credentials online don’t phase us. What will we come up with next?!? Turn in Saturday!!!

Dickey’s opponent, Allen West, was giving a paid speech out of state and was unavailable for comment.

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Texas GOP vows to cancel convention in most humiliating way possible

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HOUSTON — Faced with a restive base that’s livid with their Governor and a general public that’s lost confidence in its’ stewardship, Texas GOP leadership is staying the course regarding next week’s state convention.

“When planning for this convention began, I was loved,” explained Governor Greg Abbott. “Now, my pollsters have warned me I could get booed. Those optics are unacceptable.”

“Obviously, if there were a genuine public health crisis, I could have cancelled the convention a month ago,” Abbott continued. “Similarly, if public health is a non-issue, I could allow the convention to move forward without a slow drip of demoralizing headlines. My administration, however, remains committed to indecisive half measures that please nobody. But everybody knows where this is headed.

Party chairman James Dickey hailed “Governor Abbott’s visionary leadership. ” Dickey’s opponent, Allen West, was delivering a paid speech and could not be reached for comment. Texas Democrats promised to find a way to somehow, some way, screw up even this opportunity.

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Winning Legislative Candidates Uncross Fingers

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AUSTIN — Following hard fought and contentious primary elections, a bipartisan group of incoming freshmen legislators from safe districts held their first meeting.

“It was really productive,” said Republican candidate Honkey Q. Cracker. “It was refreshing to hear from lobbyists and political insiders, rather than my friends and neighbors on the campaign trail. While I ran on abolishing abortion, banning taxpayer funded lobbying, and capping government spending, what I’m looking forward to most is shoveling ever increasing sums of taxpayer dollars to unionized government employees.”

Democrat candidate Latina X. Personofcolor concurred: “While I ran on protecting the rights of women and indiginous peoples, I can’t wait to dramatically expand corporate subsides.

The Texas Association of Business praised Cracker and Personofcolor for their “ability to set campaign rhetoric aside and realize it’s time to govern.”

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Party Chairman Candidate Vows to Focus on Personal Enrichment

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NORTH CAROLINA — Speaking to an out of state group, Republican Party of Texas chairman candidate Allan West called his candidacy “an unprecedented opportunity.”

“Between book deals, cable news appearances, and speaking fees,” said West, “we can make 2020 my greatest year yet.”

“This is an unprecedented opportunity to distract voters from the failures of our party in the legislature through sensationalist commentary on national issues.”

Texas Alliance for Life Executive Director Joe Pojman said he was “pleased to have a man after my own heart running for Party chairman.”

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Cornyn waiting to see Abbott’s polling before taking position on refugees

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WASHINGTON — Talking with reporters the day after Governor Abbott removed Texas from the federal refugee resettlement program, Senator John Cornyn said he was withholding judgement until he could meet with the Governor.

“As you’re aware, Governor Abbott polls everything,” Cornyn said, “and in an election year it would be foolish for me to comment before I saw it.”

“For now, I’ll defer to the Governor’s political consultants.”

The Republican party of Texas praised Cornyn for his courage.

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Republican Candidate attempts Bold Strategy of Not Being Complete Troglodyte

Screenshot: Genevieve Collins campaign video “100% Texan.”

DALLAS — Running for the Republican nomination in the 32nd congressional district, candidate Genevieve Collins recently released a campaign video highlighting biographical accomplishments. In the video, Collins discussed her business background and how it influences her views on the economy. According to sources, the whole thing was “surprisingly normal.”

“Imagine that,” the source continued, “a Republican candidate eschewing monosyllabic buzzwords.”

“What’s next, a serious discussion of issues?!?”

Officials at Fox News cautioned against expecting the latter outcome.

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Abbott Endorses Sarah Davis’ Honesty on Abortion

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West University Place — Following a contentious 2018 primary battle, Governor Greg Abbott today endorsed State Representative Sarah Davis for another term in 2020.

“Sarah Davis represents exactly what voters have come to expect from Texas Republicans,” said Abbott.

“Whereas other legislators use deception and sleight of hand to hide their true position on abortion, Sarah Davis is open and upfront about hers.”

“Sarah Davis’ honesty is something other Republican legislators would do well to emulate and I fully endorse her.”