Keystone Cops send “Cease and Desist” Letter to Texas GOP

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THE INTERNET/REMOTE LOCATIONS — Having seen the biannual state convention descend into farce for the third consecutive day, it appears the Republican Party of Texas has a new problem on its hands.

The Keystone Cops, an early twentieth century silent film stars known for their bumbling ineptitude, have sent party chairman James Dickey a ‘cease and desist’ letter.

The letter accuses the Texas GOP of “stealing our intellectual property through a never-ending series of blunders that couldn’t possibly be serious.”

Party officials assure the #TXLEGEREPORT that all is well and convention delegates should receive their credentials shortly.

Texas GOP postpones convention to explore new avenues of humiliation

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HOUSTON/THE INTERNET — Having successfully achieved their previous goal of canceling their in person convention in the most humiliating way possible, Texas GOP officials are on a roll.

Early Friday morning, facing “unforseen technical glitches” and following their eleventy-zillionth ’emergency’ meeting of the past month, the state Republican executive committee voted to delay virtual convention proceedings until Saturday.

“Friday’s delay allows the party to explore the best avenue to humiliate ourselves moving forward,” party chairman James Dickey explained. “Clearly, court losses and inability to vet delegate credentials online don’t phase us. What will we come up with next?!? Turn in Saturday!!!

Dickey’s opponent, Allen West, was giving a paid speech out of state and was unavailable for comment.

Texas GOP vows to cancel convention in most humiliating way possible

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HOUSTON — Faced with a restive base that’s livid with their Governor and a general public that’s lost confidence in its’ stewardship, Texas GOP leadership is staying the course regarding next week’s state convention.

“When planning for this convention began, I was loved,” explained Governor Greg Abbott. “Now, my pollsters have warned me I could get booed. Those optics are unacceptable.”

“Obviously, if there were a genuine public health crisis, I could have cancelled the convention a month ago,” Abbott continued. “Similarly, if public health is a non-issue, I could allow the convention to move forward without a slow drip of demoralizing headlines. My administration, however, remains committed to indecisive half measures that please nobody. But everybody knows where this is headed.

Party chairman James Dickey hailed “Governor Abbott’s visionary leadership. ” Dickey’s opponent, Allen West, was delivering a paid speech and could not be reached for comment. Texas Democrats promised to find a way to somehow, some way, screw up even this opportunity.