HOUSTON — In a recent appearance on Fox News’ Tucker Carlson show, Lt. Governor proposed what he called an “innovative solution” to address the economic fallout from the Coronavirus pandemic.
“As this shutdown continues with no end in sight, the economic repercussions have become clear” Patrick said. Too many Texans are struggling to put food on the table. Meanwhile, Senior Citizens clog our health care facilities and reduce capacity.”
“Therefore,” Patrick continued, “I am proposing the slaughter of Texans over the age of 70 for purposes of food. Senior citizens are a robust source of protein. This is the type of innovative solution and outside the box thinking Texas needs.
Governor Greg Abbott said he would discuss Patrick’s proposal at a Tuesday press conference.
WASHINGTON — Talking with reporters the day after Governor Abbott removed Texas from the federal refugee resettlement program, Senator John Cornyn said he was withholding judgement until he could meet with the Governor.
“As you’re aware, Governor Abbott polls everything,” Cornyn said, “and in an election year it would be foolish for me to comment before I saw it.”
“For now, I’ll defer to the Governor’s political consultants.”
The Republican party of Texas praised Cornyn for his courage.
Austin — Texas Governor Greg Abbott was upset following Chick-fil-a’s recent controversial decision to redirect a portion of their corporate philanthropy.
“Over the past six months,” Abbott said, “my administration has diligently sought to create the perception that the third wealthiest restaurant chain in the country faced a mortal threat from which they could only be saved by Texas politicians.”
“Chick-fil-a’s recent announcements pose a mortal threat to that effort, less than a year before the 2020 election.”
Abbott vowed to spite Chick-fil-a by eating some of the worst BBQ in the state.
Austin — As the Texas’ capitol city’s homelessness crisis enters its fifth month, Governor Greg Abbott and Mayor Steve Adler have reached an agreement.
“An ongoing homelessness crisis is exactly what I need to convince voters to approve a big tax increase,” explained Adler, “furthermore, it’s a great excuse to appoint my friends and cronies to six-figure jobs inside city government.”
“Meanwhile, I pledge to do the absolute bare minimum to keep Fox News talking about this topic,” said Abbott, while also noting fundraising opportunities.