Cornyn waiting to see Abbott’s polling before taking position on refugees

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WASHINGTON — Talking with reporters the day after Governor Abbott removed Texas from the federal refugee resettlement program, Senator John Cornyn said he was withholding judgement until he could meet with the Governor.

“As you’re aware, Governor Abbott polls everything,” Cornyn said, “and in an election year it would be foolish for me to comment before I saw it.”

“For now, I’ll defer to the Governor’s political consultants.”

The Republican party of Texas praised Cornyn for his courage.

Abbott Endorses Sarah Davis’ Honesty on Abortion

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West University Place — Following a contentious 2018 primary battle, Governor Greg Abbott today endorsed State Representative Sarah Davis for another term in 2020.

“Sarah Davis represents exactly what voters have come to expect from Texas Republicans,” said Abbott.

“Whereas other legislators use deception and sleight of hand to hide their true position on abortion, Sarah Davis is open and upfront about hers.”

“Sarah Davis’ honesty is something other Republican legislators would do well to emulate and I fully endorse her.”

Governor Angry with Fast Food Restaurant for Foiling Plan to Deceive Voters

Screenshot: Greg Abbott Twitter

Austin — Texas Governor Greg Abbott was upset following Chick-fil-a’s recent controversial decision to redirect a portion of their corporate philanthropy.

“Over the past six months,” Abbott said, “my administration has diligently sought to create the perception that the third wealthiest restaurant chain in the country faced a mortal threat from which they could only be saved by Texas politicians.”

“Chick-fil-a’s recent announcements pose a mortal threat to that effort, less than a year before the 2020 election.”

Abbott vowed to spite Chick-fil-a by eating some of the worst BBQ in the state.

Abbott, Adler, pledge to mutually exploit homelessness for political purposes

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Austin — As the Texas’ capitol city’s homelessness crisis enters its fifth month, Governor Greg Abbott and Mayor Steve Adler have reached an agreement.

“An ongoing homelessness crisis is exactly what I need to convince voters to approve a big tax increase,” explained Adler, “furthermore, it’s a great excuse to appoint my friends and cronies to six-figure jobs inside city government.”

“Meanwhile, I pledge to do the absolute bare minimum to keep Fox News talking about this topic,” said Abbott, while also noting fundraising opportunities.

Austinites were sobbing quietly.