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Texas GOP postpones convention to explore new avenues of humiliation

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HOUSTON/THE INTERNET — Having successfully achieved their previous goal of canceling their in person convention in the most humiliating way possible, Texas GOP officials are on a roll.

Early Friday morning, facing “unforseen technical glitches” and following their eleventy-zillionth ’emergency’ meeting of the past month, the state Republican executive committee voted to delay virtual convention proceedings until Saturday.

“Friday’s delay allows the party to explore the best avenue to humiliate ourselves moving forward,” party chairman James Dickey explained. “Clearly, court losses and inability to vet delegate credentials online don’t phase us. What will we come up with next?!? Turn in Saturday!!!

Dickey’s opponent, Allen West, was giving a paid speech out of state and was unavailable for comment.

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Texas GOP vows to cancel convention in most humiliating way possible

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HOUSTON — Faced with a restive base that’s livid with their Governor and a general public that’s lost confidence in its’ stewardship, Texas GOP leadership is staying the course regarding next week’s state convention.

“When planning for this convention began, I was loved,” explained Governor Greg Abbott. “Now, my pollsters have warned me I could get booed. Those optics are unacceptable.”

“Obviously, if there were a genuine public health crisis, I could have cancelled the convention a month ago,” Abbott continued. “Similarly, if public health is a non-issue, I could allow the convention to move forward without a slow drip of demoralizing headlines. My administration, however, remains committed to indecisive half measures that please nobody. But everybody knows where this is headed.

Party chairman James Dickey hailed “Governor Abbott’s visionary leadership. ” Dickey’s opponent, Allen West, was delivering a paid speech and could not be reached for comment. Texas Democrats promised to find a way to somehow, some way, screw up even this opportunity.

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Party Chairman Candidate Vows to Focus on Personal Enrichment

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NORTH CAROLINA — Speaking to an out of state group, Republican Party of Texas chairman candidate Allan West called his candidacy “an unprecedented opportunity.”

“Between book deals, cable news appearances, and speaking fees,” said West, “we can make 2020 my greatest year yet.”

“This is an unprecedented opportunity to distract voters from the failures of our party in the legislature through sensationalist commentary on national issues.”

Texas Alliance for Life Executive Director Joe Pojman said he was “pleased to have a man after my own heart running for Party chairman.”