Arlington — After the Dallas Cowboys shocking 28-24 loss to the Minnesota Vikings last night, team owner Jerry Jones (net worth: $8.5 Billion) slept on a bed constructed exclusively out of Texans’ tax dollars.
Austin — As the Texas’ capitol city’s homelessness crisis enters its fifth month, Governor Greg Abbott and Mayor Steve Adler have reached an agreement.
“An ongoing homelessness crisis is exactly what I need to convince voters to approve a big tax increase,” explained Adler, “furthermore, it’s a great excuse to appoint my friends and cronies to six-figure jobs inside city government.”
“Meanwhile, I pledge to do the absolute bare minimum to keep Fox News talking about this topic,” said Abbott, while also noting fundraising opportunities.
Following the recent publication of “Texas Luring Jobs Away From California with Promises of Electricity” in the Babylon Bee, the #TXLEGE report has obtained a recording of House speaker Dennis Bonnen discussing the article:
Can you believe what I got the Babylon Bee to publish?!?
Following Tuesday’s release of the audio recording of his June meeting with Michael Quinn Sullivan, Texas House Speaker Dennis Bonnen has sent the #TXLEGE report the following statement:
Since my election as Texas House speaker, I have become increasingly concerned about integrity levels in the Republican caucus.
On June 12th of this year, I met with Empower Texans CEO Michael Quinn Sullivan. During this meeting, I gave the appearance of a quid pro quo. I would grant Sullivan’s organization press credentials in exchange for political expenditures against my rivals.
At all times, I knew Sullivan would record the meeting and that he would eventually make the recording public.
My plan, all along, was to make Sullivan an obviously and transparently unethical proposal…then see who would defend it.
This was a psychological operations campaign designed to reveal which members of the Republican caucus would defend the indefensible.
Following this morning’s announcement that Empower Texans would release their audio of the Michael Quinn Sullivan/Dennis Bonnen meeting, the #txlege report obtained the following statement from former Republican caucus chair Dustin Burrows:
This morning’s announcement from Michael Quinn Sullivan was certainly unexpected.
At this point, I suppose it’s inevitable that my colleagues in the Republican caucus will learn the details of my activities this past June.
In political crisis, however, comes entrepreneurial opportunity.
I am immediately launching “bunkum,” a new line of clothing for Texas legislators.
We will debut our first item, brown pants, at next week’s meeting of the house Republican caucus; we expect sales to be brisk.
If all goes as planned, we will shortly thereafter roll out a line of fudge.
Democrat Mary Gonzalez and Republican Drew Springer recently teamed up to promote this fall’s Prop. 2, an amendment to the Texas constitution that will authorize $200 million in bonds allegedly to promote water development.
“Obviously, I’m a Democrat,” Gonzalez began.
“I’m a Republican,” Springer continued, “but being from different political parties shouldn’t stop us from enriching our friends and cronies at the expense of your personal finances.”
“That’s bipartisanship,” quipped Gonzales.
The $200 million in this year’s Prop. 2 follows Prop. 6 from 2013, which authorized $1 BILLION, also allegedly for “water infrastructure development.”
“We know that we told you the Billion dollars from 2013 was a ‘long term funding mechanism,” said Springer.
“For some reason, it just wasn’t enough. But this time, we’ve totally solved water. If you give us this $200 million, we’ll never hit you up for more money ever again.
“Pinky swear?!?” asked Gonzalez, gazing into Springer’s eyes.
“Pinky swear,” said Springer.
Both Gonzalez and Springer kept their fingers crossed behind their backs during this dramatic gesture.