Murphy, Teacher Retirement System, to trade Best Practices for Ripping Off Taxpayers

DOWNTOWN AUSTIN — Following revelations the Teacher Retirement System of Texas signed a lease for luxury office space at $326,000 per month, Chairman Jim Murphy vowed swift action.

“This is unprecedented,” Murphy said, “we have to learn more.”

Murphy, who in 2018 was discovered to have a secret second job earning $56,000 per month at taxpayer expense, continued: “How can I get in on that?!?”

Representatives Jeff Leach, Matt Krause, and Drew Springer praised Murphy for his courage.

Abbott Endorses Sarah Davis’ Honesty on Abortion

Google Images “Labeled for reuse”/Texas House of Representatives website

West University Place — Following a contentious 2018 primary battle, Governor Greg Abbott today endorsed State Representative Sarah Davis for another term in 2020.

“Sarah Davis represents exactly what voters have come to expect from Texas Republicans,” said Abbott.

“Whereas other legislators use deception and sleight of hand to hide their true position on abortion, Sarah Davis is open and upfront about hers.”

“Sarah Davis’ honesty is something other Republican legislators would do well to emulate and I fully endorse her.”

State Representative Denounces “Damn Chinamen”

Flickr. via Google Images “Labeled for Reuse”

FT. BEND COUNTY — Facing the first credible primary challenge of his career, Republican State Representative Rick Miller recently attacked his political opponents.

“These Damn Chinamen are coming out of nowhere,” Miller lamented. “They’re everywhere. Now they want my seat.”

When informed that his opponent, Jacey Jetton, was actually Korean, Miller was defiant.

“They all look the same to me.”

Legislator retires to become Full Time Mule for Drug Cartels

Texas Department of Public Safety via Direct Action Texas

Eagle Pass — Citing an “exciting new opportunity” state representative Poncho Nevarez last Friday announced his retirement from the Texas house of representatives.

“Following close to a decade of loyal service, I’ve been given an exciting new opportunity to secure generational wealth for my family.”

Nevarez, who currently chairs the Texas house’s Homeland Security committee, was known as a fierce opponent of Border Security during his time in the legislature.

Nevarez is expected to take over the Eagle Pass to Austin route.

In secret recording, Bonnen calls Babylon Bee “chump ass suckers”

Texas Legislative Reference Library

Following the recent publication of “Texas Luring Jobs Away From California with Promises of Electricity” in the Babylon Bee, the #TXLEGE report has obtained a recording of House speaker Dennis Bonnen discussing the article:

Can you believe what I got the Babylon Bee to publish?!?

Last session, the Texas Senate passed SB 76 to ensure abundant, reliable, power. The Texas house killed the bill in the Calendars Committee. It’s a matter of public record, but they didn’t check.

I literally killed a bill at the behest of power company CEO’s, and I’m now getting praised as a custodian of reliable power supplies.

What a bunch of chump-ass suckers.

Leach: Bonnen Retirement Announcement “Not so bad in geologic time”

Flickr.com

Plano — Following accusations he turned a blind eye to scandals surrounding soon-to-be former Speaker Dennis Bonnen, State Rep. Jeff Leach (R) tells the #TXLEGE Report “you guys don’t understand.”

“I’m a chairman now,” explained Leach, who was in charge of the Texas House committee on civil jurisprudence this past session.

“That carries certain responsibilities.”

“If I’m not loyal to leadership, they’ll be mean to me. I might lose my chairmanship. Then how will I fund my campaign?!?”

“Besides,” Leach continued, “who’s to say we have a proper understanding of time?!? Did you know that animals perceive time differently than humans?!? They have a completely different frame rate.”

“It’s all about perspective. Secular scientists say the earth is over 4 billion years old. Why worry about three months?!? It’s not so bad in geologic time.”

Leach simultaneously announced an upcoming Austin fundraiser.

Bonnen Reveals “Psychological Operations”

Texas House of Representatives, official website

Following Tuesday’s release of the audio recording of his June meeting with Michael Quinn Sullivan, Texas House Speaker Dennis Bonnen has sent the #TXLEGE report the following statement:

Since my election as Texas House speaker, I have become increasingly concerned about integrity levels in the Republican caucus.

On June 12th of this year, I met with Empower Texans CEO Michael Quinn Sullivan. During this meeting, I gave the appearance of a quid pro quo. I would grant Sullivan’s organization press credentials in exchange for political expenditures against my rivals.

At all times, I knew Sullivan would record the meeting and that he would eventually make the recording public.

My plan, all along, was to make Sullivan an obviously and transparently unethical proposal…then see who would defend it.

This was a psychological operations campaign designed to reveal which members of the Republican caucus would defend the indefensible.

No, really, I swear.