Perry holds Cruz’s beer following tone deaf response to Winter Weather Crisis

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HOUSTON — Following his own comment about how Texans we’re thankful for losing power for multiple days amidst record setting cold weather, former Governor Rick Perry held U.S. Senator Ted Cruz’s beer as the latter took a last minute trip to Mexico.

“Following my own asinine comment, I had no idea how I was going to live it down,” Perry explained. “When Ted Cruz asked me to hold his beer so he could take a trip to Cancun, I was more than happy to oblige.”

“I’m thankful to former Governor Perry,” Cruz responded. “For as badly as I just stepped in it, the last thing I need is a spilled beer.”

Perry and Cruz both expressed surprise that Dan Patrick had yet to ask them to hold an entire liquor cabinet.

Amidst winter weather crisis, Capitol lobbyists excited to profit from Texans misery

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AUSTIN — Following a record setting cold snap that left millions without power, one group smells money in the bank: Capitol Lobbyists.

“Ka-Ching,” said Bill Miller of HillCo group. “Everybody’s getting paid!!!”

“Renewables. Oil and Gas. Public power. Private power. Everything’s gonna be on the table and EVERYBODY’S going to need representation. That means big lobby bucks!!!”

Governor Abbott vowed to work with the lobbyist community to make any bills passed by the legislature “as complicated and confusing as possible” to further increase lobby fees.

Leach denounces thing nobody cares about

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PLANO — Following several days where no one had paid him any attention, state rep Jeff Leach (R-Plano) castigated a colleague’s month old comment.

“Make no mistake, I denounce this in the strongest terms. It’s totally mean. I don’t like it.”

Most observers were suprised Leach was still a thing.

Leach is expected to have an upcoming profile in the Dallas Morning News.

Paxton relieved to have Democrats doing illegal stuff again

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Following President Biden’s inauguration, Attorney General Paxton released the following statement:

Over the past year, my office has strained under the weight of the COVID-19 pandemic. Our governor, Greg Abbott, has unilaterally re-written laws to favor lobbyists and campaign contributors. The problem, of course, is that Greg Abbott is a Repubican.

With President Biden’s inauguration, I don’t have to play these mental gymnastics anymore. I can grandstand about the rule of law, while acting highly selectively. I’m relieved.

If anyone has any questions, I’ll be with my mistress.

Cain excited to continue technique used to kill his own bill

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AUSTIN — During consideration of the Texas house’s session rules, three term incumbent Briscoe Cain (R – Deer Park) spoke in opposition to a measure that would prevent Democrats from chairing the Republican majority’s committees.

“Mr. Speakermembers,” Cain began, “I know all about this technique.”

“Last session, I filed HB 1500. If passed, the bill would have prohibited abortion past the point where a fetal heartbeat could be detected. This was a top priority of my party and had widespread support.”

“HB 1500 was sent to the public health committee, chaired by my good friend Senfronia Thompson, Democrat of Houston. And she murdered that bill like Kermit Gosnell with a pair of forceps. Nobody was surprised.”

“You might think,” Cain continued “that this would bother me. Quite the opposite. I like it this way. It allows me to say I support the heartbeat bill without suffering the consequences of trying to pass it. It’s called having your cake and eating it too.”

“I love this technique. It’s awesome.”

Shortly thereafter, Cain sent a fundraising e-mail declaring himself a grassroots champion.

Depressing Soap Opera Returns for 87th Season

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AUSTIN — Following a tumultuous interim where several major cast members experienced unexpected, the Texas legislature gaveled into session this past week.

New plotlines include a governor determined to mangle the economic liberty of citizens, a once in a lifetime global pandemic about which elected officials can’t do anything, and the role of house speaker is being played by some different hack.

Classic plotlines related to adultery, buffoonery, and lawlessness are expected to continue. Lawmakers are also likely to yell at the city of Austin without actually doing anything.

Texas could be heard whimpering.

Murphy excited to lead house Republicans in new era of graft and corruption

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AUSTIN — During their caucus meeting Saturday, Texas house Republicans selected Jim Murphy to be their new caucus chair.

Murphy, a state representative from the Houston area, is best known for a 2018 corruption scandal when a local TV station discovered he was collecting $56,000 per month running an obscure local government entity while chairing their legislative oversight committee.

“This an exciting new era,” Murphy said. “I’m honored to have been selected by colleagues to do what I do best. This will be the Republican caucus’ most profitable session ever.”

The Texas Association of Business praised Murphy as “our kind of Republican.”

Austinites Livid Mayor didn’t stay in Mexico

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AUSTIN — Following the disclosure that their Mayor took an international trip in violation of his own COVID recommendations, Austin residents are frustrated.

“Why did he have to come back?!?” inquired Emily Cantone of Bouldin Creek.

“Under Steve Adler’s so-called ‘leadership’ our city has become a gigantic open air homeless encampment with an alarming rise in crime. That’s on top of the insane property taxes and ongoing affordability crisis,” added Eric Perkins of Circle C. “We would have been better off if he had just stayed in Cabo.”

A group is expected to launch a petition drive shortly calling for Mayor Adler’s permanent relocation to Mexico.

Texas Is Back…to Firing Football Coaches

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AUSTIN — Following another underachieving season, Texas Longhorns football is widely expected to move on from Coach Tom Herman.

“Our university has a long tradition of buyouts followed by large, upfront, financial commitments,” said University President Jay Hartzell. “I look forward to building upon this legacy.”

“Coach Herman’s $19 million buyout is pocket change for our university,” Hartzell continued. “What starts here changes the world.”

Regents chairman Kevin Eltife confirmed the board would rubber stamp any coaching decision immediately following the next tuition hike.

Austin City Council Votes to Replace Police Department with Rainbow Unicorns

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AUSTIN — Following a long and contentious meeting, the Austin City Council unanimously voted to replace the local police department with a squad of rainbow unicorns.

The measure, originally proposed by councilmember Greg Casar, abolishes the Austin police department. In its place, council directed city manager Spencer Cronk to hire 1300 unicorns. Council expects the unicorns to eliminate displacement, end homelessness, and get rid of all forms of social inequity.

Mayor Steve Adler hailed the development as “forward looking and transformative,” and “a progressive model for all cities.”

Councilmember Jimmy Flannigan amended the measure to make the unicorns rainbow “in honor of pride month.”