"Fake but Accurate" — Dan Rather (Native Texan)
PLANO — Following several days where no one had paid him any attention, state rep Jeff Leach (R-Plano) castigated a colleague’s month old comment.
“Make no mistake, I denounce this in the strongest terms. It’s totally mean. I don’t like it.”
Most observers were suprised Leach was still a thing.
Leach is expected to have an upcoming profile in the Dallas Morning News.
AUSTIN — During consideration of the Texas house’s session rules, three term incumbent Briscoe Cain (R – Deer Park) spoke in opposition to a measure that would prevent Democrats from chairing the Republican majority’s committees.
“Mr. Speakermembers,” Cain began, “I know all about this technique.”
“Last session, I filed HB 1500. If passed, the bill would have prohibited abortion past the point where a fetal heartbeat could be detected. This was a top priority of my party and had widespread support.”
“HB 1500 was sent to the public health committee, chaired by my good friend Senfronia Thompson, Democrat of Houston. And she murdered that bill like Kermit Gosnell with a pair of forceps. Nobody was surprised.”
“You might think,” Cain continued “that this would bother me. Quite the opposite. I like it this way. It allows me to say I support the heartbeat bill without suffering the consequences of trying to pass it. It’s called having your cake and eating it too.”
“I love this technique. It’s awesome.”
Shortly thereafter, Cain sent a fundraising e-mail declaring himself a grassroots champion.
AUSTIN — During their caucus meeting Saturday, Texas house Republicans selected Jim Murphy to be their new caucus chair.
Murphy, a state representative from the Houston area, is best known for a 2018 corruption scandal when a local TV station discovered he was collecting $56,000 per month running an obscure local government entity while chairing their legislative oversight committee.
“This an exciting new era,” Murphy said. “I’m honored to have been selected by colleagues to do what I do best. This will be the Republican caucus’ most profitable session ever.”
The Texas Association of Business praised Murphy as “our kind of Republican.”
DOWNTOWN AUSTIN — Following revelations the Teacher Retirement System of Texas signed a lease for luxury office space at $326,000 per month, Chairman Jim Murphy vowed swift action.
“This is unprecedented,” Murphy said, “we have to learn more.”
Murphy, who in 2018 was discovered to have a secret second job earning $56,000 per month at taxpayer expense, continued: “How can I get in on that?!?”
Representatives Jeff Leach, Matt Krause, and Drew Springer praised Murphy for his courage.
West University Place — Following a contentious 2018 primary battle, Governor Greg Abbott today endorsed State Representative Sarah Davis for another term in 2020.
“Sarah Davis represents exactly what voters have come to expect from Texas Republicans,” said Abbott.
“Whereas other legislators use deception and sleight of hand to hide their true position on abortion, Sarah Davis is open and upfront about hers.”
“Sarah Davis’ honesty is something other Republican legislators would do well to emulate and I fully endorse her.”
FT. BEND COUNTY — Facing the first credible primary challenge of his career, Republican State Representative Rick Miller recently attacked his political opponents.
“These Damn Chinamen are coming out of nowhere,” Miller lamented. “They’re everywhere. Now they want my seat.”
When informed that his opponent, Jacey Jetton, was actually Korean, Miller was defiant.
“They all look the same to me.”
Eagle Pass — Citing an “exciting new opportunity” state representative Poncho Nevarez last Friday announced his retirement from the Texas house of representatives.
“Following close to a decade of loyal service, I’ve been given an exciting new opportunity to secure generational wealth for my family.”
Nevarez, who currently chairs the Texas house’s Homeland Security committee, was known as a fierce opponent of Border Security during his time in the legislature.
Nevarez is expected to take over the Eagle Pass to Austin route.
Following the recent publication of “Texas Luring Jobs Away From California with Promises of Electricity” in the Babylon Bee, the #TXLEGE report has obtained a recording of House speaker Dennis Bonnen discussing the article:
Can you believe what I got the Babylon Bee to publish?!?
Last session, the Texas Senate passed SB 76 to ensure abundant, reliable, power. The Texas house killed the bill in the Calendars Committee. It’s a matter of public record, but they didn’t check.
I literally killed a bill at the behest of power company CEO’s, and I’m now getting praised as a custodian of reliable power supplies.
What a bunch of chump-ass suckers.
Plano — Following accusations he turned a blind eye to scandals surrounding soon-to-be former Speaker Dennis Bonnen, State Rep. Jeff Leach (R) tells the #TXLEGE Report “you guys don’t understand.”
“I’m a chairman now,” explained Leach, who was in charge of the Texas House committee on civil jurisprudence this past session.
“That carries certain responsibilities.”
“If I’m not loyal to leadership, they’ll be mean to me. I might lose my chairmanship. Then how will I fund my campaign?!?”
“Besides,” Leach continued, “who’s to say we have a proper understanding of time?!? Did you know that animals perceive time differently than humans?!? They have a completely different frame rate.”
“It’s all about perspective. Secular scientists say the earth is over 4 billion years old. Why worry about three months?!? It’s not so bad in geologic time.”
Leach simultaneously announced an upcoming Austin fundraiser.
Following Tuesday’s release of the audio recording of his June meeting with Michael Quinn Sullivan, Texas House Speaker Dennis Bonnen has sent the #TXLEGE report the following statement:
Since my election as Texas House speaker, I have become increasingly concerned about integrity levels in the Republican caucus.
On June 12th of this year, I met with Empower Texans CEO Michael Quinn Sullivan. During this meeting, I gave the appearance of a quid pro quo. I would grant Sullivan’s organization press credentials in exchange for political expenditures against my rivals.At all times, I knew Sullivan would record the meeting and that he would eventually make the recording public.
My plan, all along, was to make Sullivan an obviously and transparently unethical proposal…then see who would defend it.
This was a psychological operations campaign designed to reveal which members of the Republican caucus would defend the indefensible.
No, really, I swear.