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Austin City Council Votes to Replace Police Department with Rainbow Unicorns

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AUSTIN — Following a long and contentious meeting, the Austin City Council unanimously voted to replace the local police department with a squad of rainbow unicorns.

The measure, originally proposed by councilmember Greg Casar, abolishes the Austin police department. In its place, council directed city manager Spencer Cronk to hire 1300 unicorns. Council expects the unicorns to eliminate displacement, end homelessness, and get rid of all forms of social inequity.

Mayor Steve Adler hailed the development as “forward looking and transformative,” and “a progressive model for all cities.”

Councilmember Jimmy Flannigan amended the measure to make the unicorns rainbow “in honor of pride month.”

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Austin Chronicle Reporter Declares Apple Pie Racist

AUSTIN — Having recently attacked motherhood, Austin Chronicle reporter Austin Sanders is at it again.

“I am sick and tired of all this talk about Apple pie,” said Sanders. “Everybody knows that apples comes from the pillaging of indigenous people. Thomas Jefferson once ate an apple.”

“Apple pie represents patriarchy and white supremacy.”

Sanders then texted councilmember Greg Casar to coordinate publicity for a city ordinance banning apple pie.

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Casar “Seriously Considering” Summarily Executing Texas Senate

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AUSTIN — Following Senator Kirk Watson’s surprise announcement that he would resign from the Texas Senate, Austin City Councilmember Greg Casar said he was “seriously considering” drastic action.

“For far too long, comrades, the Texas Senate has been an obstacle to the Revolution,” Casar continued. “It’s time to hold them accountable for their crimes. I am seriously considering leading that charge.”

“The time has come to bring the same glories to the Texas Senate that we have seen in Cuba, North Korea, and Venezuela.”

The Texas Association of Business announced their endorsement of Casar shortly thereafter.