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Texas Democrats excited to find new ways to screw this all up

Via Google Images, “Labeled for Reuse.”

AUSTIN — Facing their best political environment in a generation, Texas’ long beleaguered minority party is excited.

“It’s a great time to be a Democrat,” said state Representative Celia Israel, who runs the party’s campaign arm. “Between Greg Abbott bungling the COVID-19 response so badly and Donald Trump doing…whatever it is he’s doing, we have more material than ever. I can’t wait to see how we blow this.”

“We’ve barely said a word about the corrupt house speaker. We thought Elizabeth Warren and Bobby Francis O’Rourke would play well in Ft. Bend county. What’ll we come up with next?!?”

Following Israel’s remarks, the party announced Planned Parenthood would lead get out the vote efforts in rural counties.

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In secret recording, Bonnen calls Babylon Bee “chump ass suckers”

Texas Legislative Reference Library

Following the recent publication of “Texas Luring Jobs Away From California with Promises of Electricity” in the Babylon Bee, the #TXLEGE report has obtained a recording of House speaker Dennis Bonnen discussing the article:

Can you believe what I got the Babylon Bee to publish?!?

Last session, the Texas Senate passed SB 76 to ensure abundant, reliable, power. The Texas house killed the bill in the Calendars Committee. It’s a matter of public record, but they didn’t check.

I literally killed a bill at the behest of power company CEO’s, and I’m now getting praised as a custodian of reliable power supplies.

What a bunch of chump-ass suckers.

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Leach: Bonnen Retirement Announcement “Not so bad in geologic time”

Flickr.com

Plano — Following accusations he turned a blind eye to scandals surrounding soon-to-be former Speaker Dennis Bonnen, State Rep. Jeff Leach (R) tells the #TXLEGE Report “you guys don’t understand.”

“I’m a chairman now,” explained Leach, who was in charge of the Texas House committee on civil jurisprudence this past session.

“That carries certain responsibilities.”

“If I’m not loyal to leadership, they’ll be mean to me. I might lose my chairmanship. Then how will I fund my campaign?!?”

“Besides,” Leach continued, “who’s to say we have a proper understanding of time?!? Did you know that animals perceive time differently than humans?!? They have a completely different frame rate.”

“It’s all about perspective. Secular scientists say the earth is over 4 billion years old. Why worry about three months?!? It’s not so bad in geologic time.”

Leach simultaneously announced an upcoming Austin fundraiser.

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Bonnen Reveals “Psychological Operations”

Texas House of Representatives, official website

Following Tuesday’s release of the audio recording of his June meeting with Michael Quinn Sullivan, Texas House Speaker Dennis Bonnen has sent the #TXLEGE report the following statement:

Since my election as Texas House speaker, I have become increasingly concerned about integrity levels in the Republican caucus.

On June 12th of this year, I met with Empower Texans CEO Michael Quinn Sullivan. During this meeting, I gave the appearance of a quid pro quo. I would grant Sullivan’s organization press credentials in exchange for political expenditures against my rivals.

At all times, I knew Sullivan would record the meeting and that he would eventually make the recording public.

My plan, all along, was to make Sullivan an obviously and transparently unethical proposal…then see who would defend it.

This was a psychological operations campaign designed to reveal which members of the Republican caucus would defend the indefensible.

No, really, I swear.