Winning Legislative Candidates Uncross Fingers

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AUSTIN — Following hard fought and contentious primary elections, a bipartisan group of incoming freshmen legislators from safe districts held their first meeting.

“It was really productive,” said Republican candidate Honkey Q. Cracker. “It was refreshing to hear from lobbyists and political insiders, rather than my friends and neighbors on the campaign trail. While I ran on abolishing abortion, banning taxpayer funded lobbying, and capping government spending, what I’m looking forward to most is shoveling ever increasing sums of taxpayer dollars to unionized government employees.”

Democrat candidate Latina X. Personofcolor concurred: “While I ran on protecting the rights of women and indiginous peoples, I can’t wait to dramatically expand corporate subsides.

The Texas Association of Business praised Cracker and Personofcolor for their “ability to set campaign rhetoric aside and realize it’s time to govern.”

O’Rourke Convinces Democrats to Light Gigantic Pile of Money on Fire

TexasScorecard.com

FT. BEND COUNTY — Heading into the crucial 2020 election, failed United States Senate and Presidential candidate Robert Francis O’Rourke hosted a gigantic financial bonfire Tuesday night.

Standing next to Eliz Markowitz, an unsuccessful candidate for state representative, O’Rourke said: “Tonight’s financial bonfire is an unprecedented opportunity for Texas.”

“Over the next nine months, we intend to do the exact same thing over and over again expecting different results.”

When it was pointed out that his party lost ground in Tuesday’s special election, compared to the 2018 cycle, O’Rourke called the questioner a racist.