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Leach: Bonnen Retirement Announcement “Not so bad in geologic time”

Flickr.com

Plano — Following accusations he turned a blind eye to scandals surrounding soon-to-be former Speaker Dennis Bonnen, State Rep. Jeff Leach (R) tells the #TXLEGE Report “you guys don’t understand.”

“I’m a chairman now,” explained Leach, who was in charge of the Texas House committee on civil jurisprudence this past session.

“That carries certain responsibilities.”

“If I’m not loyal to leadership, they’ll be mean to me. I might lose my chairmanship. Then how will I fund my campaign?!?”

“Besides,” Leach continued, “who’s to say we have a proper understanding of time?!? Did you know that animals perceive time differently than humans?!? They have a completely different frame rate.”

“It’s all about perspective. Secular scientists say the earth is over 4 billion years old. Why worry about three months?!? It’s not so bad in geologic time.”

Leach simultaneously announced an upcoming Austin fundraiser.

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Bonnen Reveals “Psychological Operations”

Texas House of Representatives, official website

Following Tuesday’s release of the audio recording of his June meeting with Michael Quinn Sullivan, Texas House Speaker Dennis Bonnen has sent the #TXLEGE report the following statement:

Since my election as Texas House speaker, I have become increasingly concerned about integrity levels in the Republican caucus.

On June 12th of this year, I met with Empower Texans CEO Michael Quinn Sullivan. During this meeting, I gave the appearance of a quid pro quo. I would grant Sullivan’s organization press credentials in exchange for political expenditures against my rivals.

At all times, I knew Sullivan would record the meeting and that he would eventually make the recording public.

My plan, all along, was to make Sullivan an obviously and transparently unethical proposal…then see who would defend it.

This was a psychological operations campaign designed to reveal which members of the Republican caucus would defend the indefensible.

No, really, I swear.

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Burrows to Launch Line of Brown Pants

Texas House of Representatives website/Shutterstock.com

Following this morning’s announcement that Empower Texans would release their audio of the Michael Quinn Sullivan/Dennis Bonnen meeting, the #txlege report obtained the following statement from former Republican caucus chair Dustin Burrows:

This morning’s announcement from Michael Quinn Sullivan was certainly unexpected.

At this point, I suppose it’s inevitable that my colleagues in the Republican caucus will learn the details of my activities this past June.

In political crisis, however, comes entrepreneurial opportunity.

I am immediately launching “bunkum,” a new line of clothing for Texas legislators.

We will debut our first item, brown pants, at next week’s meeting of the house Republican caucus; we expect sales to be brisk.

If all goes as planned, we will shortly thereafter roll out a line of fudge.

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Gonzalez, Springer, promise THIS TIME the lege has “totally solved water”

Screenshot: Yes on Prop 2 Campaign video

Democrat Mary Gonzalez and Republican Drew Springer recently teamed up to promote this fall’s Prop. 2, an amendment to the Texas constitution that will authorize $200 million in bonds allegedly to promote water development.

“Obviously, I’m a Democrat,” Gonzalez began.

“I’m a Republican,” Springer continued, “but being from different political parties shouldn’t stop us from enriching our friends and cronies at the expense of your personal finances.”

“That’s bipartisanship,” quipped Gonzales.

The $200 million in this year’s Prop. 2 follows Prop. 6 from 2013, which authorized $1 BILLION, also allegedly for “water infrastructure development.”

“We know that we told you the Billion dollars from 2013 was a ‘long term funding mechanism,” said Springer.

“For some reason, it just wasn’t enough.  But this time, we’ve totally solved water.  If you give us this $200 million, we’ll never hit you up for more money ever again.

“Pinky swear?!?” asked Gonzalez, gazing into Springer’s eyes.

“Pinky swear,” said Springer.

Both Gonzalez and Springer kept their fingers crossed behind their backs during this dramatic gesture.