HOUSTON/THE INTERNET — Having successfully achieved their previous goal of canceling their in person convention in the most humiliating way possible, Texas GOP officials are on a roll.
Early Friday morning, facing “unforseen technical glitches” and following their eleventy-zillionth ’emergency’ meeting of the past month, the state Republican executive committee voted to delay virtual convention proceedings until Saturday.
“Friday’s delay allows the party to explore the best avenue to humiliate ourselves moving forward,” party chairman James Dickey explained. “Clearly, court losses and inability to vet delegate credentials online don’t phase us. What will we come up with next?!? Turn in Saturday!!!
Dickey’s opponent, Allen West, was giving a paid speech out of state and was unavailable for comment.
HOUSTON — Faced with a restive base that’s livid with their Governor and a general public that’s lost confidence in its’ stewardship, Texas GOP leadership is staying the course regarding next week’s state convention.
“When planning for this convention began, I was loved,” explained Governor Greg Abbott. “Now, my pollsters have warned me I could get booed. Those optics are unacceptable.”
“Obviously, if there were a genuine public health crisis, I could have cancelled the convention a month ago,” Abbott continued. “Similarly, if public health is a non-issue, I could allow the convention to move forward without a slow drip of demoralizing headlines. My administration, however, remains committed to indecisive half measures that please nobody. But everybody knows where this is headed.
Party chairman James Dickey hailed “Governor Abbott’s visionary leadership. ” Dickey’s opponent, Allen West, was delivering a paid speech and could not be reached for comment. Texas Democrats promised to find a way to somehow, some way, screw up even this opportunity.
AUSTIN — Following hard fought and contentious primary elections, a bipartisan group of incoming freshmen legislators from safe districts held their first meeting.
“It was really productive,” said Republican candidate Honkey Q. Cracker. “It was refreshing to hear from lobbyists and political insiders, rather than my friends and neighbors on the campaign trail. While I ran on abolishing abortion, banning taxpayer funded lobbying, and capping government spending, what I’m looking forward to most is shoveling ever increasing sums of taxpayer dollars to unionized government employees.”
Democrat candidate Latina X. Personofcolor concurred: “While I ran on protecting the rights of women and indiginous peoples, I can’t wait to dramatically expand corporate subsides.
The Texas Association of Business praised Cracker and Personofcolor for their “ability to set campaign rhetoric aside and realize it’s time to govern.”
WASHINGTON — Talking with reporters the day after Governor Abbott removed Texas from the federal refugee resettlement program, Senator John Cornyn said he was withholding judgement until he could meet with the Governor.
“As you’re aware, Governor Abbott polls everything,” Cornyn said, “and in an election year it would be foolish for me to comment before I saw it.”
“For now, I’ll defer to the Governor’s political consultants.”
The Republican party of Texas praised Cornyn for his courage.
DALLAS — Running for the Republican nomination in the 32nd congressional district, candidate Genevieve Collins recently released a campaign video highlighting biographical accomplishments. In the video, Collins discussed her business background and how it influences her views on the economy. According to sources, the whole thing was “surprisingly normal.”