Amidst winter weather crisis, Capitol lobbyists excited to profit from Texans misery

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AUSTIN — Following a record setting cold snap that left millions without power, one group smells money in the bank: Capitol Lobbyists.

“Ka-Ching,” said Bill Miller of HillCo group. “Everybody’s getting paid!!!”

“Renewables. Oil and Gas. Public power. Private power. Everything’s gonna be on the table and EVERYBODY’S going to need representation. That means big lobby bucks!!!”

Governor Abbott vowed to work with the lobbyist community to make any bills passed by the legislature “as complicated and confusing as possible” to further increase lobby fees.

Paxton relieved to have Democrats doing illegal stuff again

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Following President Biden’s inauguration, Attorney General Paxton released the following statement:

Over the past year, my office has strained under the weight of the COVID-19 pandemic. Our governor, Greg Abbott, has unilaterally re-written laws to favor lobbyists and campaign contributors. The problem, of course, is that Greg Abbott is a Repubican.

With President Biden’s inauguration, I don’t have to play these mental gymnastics anymore. I can grandstand about the rule of law, while acting highly selectively. I’m relieved.

If anyone has any questions, I’ll be with my mistress.

Depressing Soap Opera Returns for 87th Season

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AUSTIN — Following a tumultuous interim where several major cast members experienced unexpected, the Texas legislature gaveled into session this past week.

New plotlines include a governor determined to mangle the economic liberty of citizens, a once in a lifetime global pandemic about which elected officials can’t do anything, and the role of house speaker is being played by some different hack.

Classic plotlines related to adultery, buffoonery, and lawlessness are expected to continue. Lawmakers are also likely to yell at the city of Austin without actually doing anything.

Texas could be heard whimpering.

Texas GOP vows to cancel convention in most humiliating way possible

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HOUSTON — Faced with a restive base that’s livid with their Governor and a general public that’s lost confidence in its’ stewardship, Texas GOP leadership is staying the course regarding next week’s state convention.

“When planning for this convention began, I was loved,” explained Governor Greg Abbott. “Now, my pollsters have warned me I could get booed. Those optics are unacceptable.”

“Obviously, if there were a genuine public health crisis, I could have cancelled the convention a month ago,” Abbott continued. “Similarly, if public health is a non-issue, I could allow the convention to move forward without a slow drip of demoralizing headlines. My administration, however, remains committed to indecisive half measures that please nobody. But everybody knows where this is headed.

Party chairman James Dickey hailed “Governor Abbott’s visionary leadership. ” Dickey’s opponent, Allen West, was delivering a paid speech and could not be reached for comment. Texas Democrats promised to find a way to somehow, some way, screw up even this opportunity.

Abbott announces state will reopen “according to campaign contributions and polling results”

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AUSTIN — Appearing at an end of week news conference, Governor Greg Abbott announced a ‘strike force’ to guide Texas through post-Coronavirus re-opening.

“Over the next ten days,” Abbott said, “I have instructed my team to examine campaign finance records. In addition, I have authorized an unprecedented outlay for in-field political polling. This data driven approach will guide me in the coming weeks.”

Abbott’s strike forces is excpected to report back within ten days, at which time Abbott “hopes to begin targeted reopenings according to campaign contributions and polling results.”

The Texas Association of Business praised Abbott’s “bold and visionary” approach.

Abbott to reopen economy as soon as polling indicates it’s safe

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AUSTIN — Following Lt. Governor Dan Patrick’s creation of an advisory committee to advise on post-Coronavirus economic restoration, Governor Greg Abbott has pledged to issue an executive order next week to guide the process.

“I intended to collect all of the greatest experts in the business,” Abbott said. “From Gallup, to Rasmussen, to NBC News/Wall St. Journal, to Zogby, to several of my own private pollsters, they will guide my every move.”

“As soon as I am confident 50%+1 of our citizens will support such a move,” Abbott continued, “I will move swiftly to reopen Texas.”

Texas Democrats responded to Abbott’s move by calling it racist.

Patrick Proposes Harvesting Elderly for Soylent Green to promote Coronavirus Economic Recovery

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HOUSTON — In a recent appearance on Fox News’ Tucker Carlson show, Lt. Governor proposed what he called an “innovative solution” to address the economic fallout from the Coronavirus pandemic.

“As this shutdown continues with no end in sight, the economic repercussions have become clear” Patrick said. Too many Texans are struggling to put food on the table. Meanwhile, Senior Citizens clog our health care facilities and reduce capacity.”

“Therefore,” Patrick continued, “I am proposing the slaughter of Texans over the age of 70 for purposes of food. Senior citizens are a robust source of protein. This is the type of innovative solution and outside the box thinking Texas needs.

Governor Greg Abbott said he would discuss Patrick’s proposal at a Tuesday press conference.

Cornyn waiting to see Abbott’s polling before taking position on refugees

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WASHINGTON — Talking with reporters the day after Governor Abbott removed Texas from the federal refugee resettlement program, Senator John Cornyn said he was withholding judgement until he could meet with the Governor.

“As you’re aware, Governor Abbott polls everything,” Cornyn said, “and in an election year it would be foolish for me to comment before I saw it.”

“For now, I’ll defer to the Governor’s political consultants.”

The Republican party of Texas praised Cornyn for his courage.

Abbott Endorses Sarah Davis’ Honesty on Abortion

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West University Place — Following a contentious 2018 primary battle, Governor Greg Abbott today endorsed State Representative Sarah Davis for another term in 2020.

“Sarah Davis represents exactly what voters have come to expect from Texas Republicans,” said Abbott.

“Whereas other legislators use deception and sleight of hand to hide their true position on abortion, Sarah Davis is open and upfront about hers.”

“Sarah Davis’ honesty is something other Republican legislators would do well to emulate and I fully endorse her.”

Governor Angry with Fast Food Restaurant for Foiling Plan to Deceive Voters

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Austin — Texas Governor Greg Abbott was upset following Chick-fil-a’s recent controversial decision to redirect a portion of their corporate philanthropy.

“Over the past six months,” Abbott said, “my administration has diligently sought to create the perception that the third wealthiest restaurant chain in the country faced a mortal threat from which they could only be saved by Texas politicians.”

“Chick-fil-a’s recent announcements pose a mortal threat to that effort, less than a year before the 2020 election.”

Abbott vowed to spite Chick-fil-a by eating some of the worst BBQ in the state.