Perry holds Cruz’s beer following tone deaf response to Winter Weather Crisis

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HOUSTON — Following his own comment about how Texans we’re thankful for losing power for multiple days amidst record setting cold weather, former Governor Rick Perry held U.S. Senator Ted Cruz’s beer as the latter took a last minute trip to Mexico.

“Following my own asinine comment, I had no idea how I was going to live it down,” Perry explained. “When Ted Cruz asked me to hold his beer so he could take a trip to Cancun, I was more than happy to oblige.”

“I’m thankful to former Governor Perry,” Cruz responded. “For as badly as I just stepped in it, the last thing I need is a spilled beer.”

Perry and Cruz both expressed surprise that Dan Patrick had yet to ask them to hold an entire liquor cabinet.

Abbott to reopen economy as soon as polling indicates it’s safe

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AUSTIN — Following Lt. Governor Dan Patrick’s creation of an advisory committee to advise on post-Coronavirus economic restoration, Governor Greg Abbott has pledged to issue an executive order next week to guide the process.

“I intended to collect all of the greatest experts in the business,” Abbott said. “From Gallup, to Rasmussen, to NBC News/Wall St. Journal, to Zogby, to several of my own private pollsters, they will guide my every move.”

“As soon as I am confident 50%+1 of our citizens will support such a move,” Abbott continued, “I will move swiftly to reopen Texas.”

Texas Democrats responded to Abbott’s move by calling it racist.

Patrick Proposes Harvesting Elderly for Soylent Green to promote Coronavirus Economic Recovery

Screenshot from Twitter

HOUSTON — In a recent appearance on Fox News’ Tucker Carlson show, Lt. Governor proposed what he called an “innovative solution” to address the economic fallout from the Coronavirus pandemic.

“As this shutdown continues with no end in sight, the economic repercussions have become clear” Patrick said. Too many Texans are struggling to put food on the table. Meanwhile, Senior Citizens clog our health care facilities and reduce capacity.”

“Therefore,” Patrick continued, “I am proposing the slaughter of Texans over the age of 70 for purposes of food. Senior citizens are a robust source of protein. This is the type of innovative solution and outside the box thinking Texas needs.

Governor Greg Abbott said he would discuss Patrick’s proposal at a Tuesday press conference.

Kardashian intimidated by Lt. Governor’s Attention Seeking

Found on Twitter

Houston — Following a recent encounter at a religiously-themed entertainment center, reality TV star Kim Kardashian told friends she was “intimidated” by Texas Lt. Governor Dan Patrick.

“That dude’s crazy. I almost got whiplash keeping up with all the cameras. To be honest, it was kind of intimidating.”

“I guess releasing a sex tape is nothing compared to politician who thinks he’s won the Super Bowl.”