Casar “Seriously Considering” Summarily Executing Texas Senate

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AUSTIN — Following Senator Kirk Watson’s surprise announcement that he would resign from the Texas Senate, Austin City Councilmember Greg Casar said he was “seriously considering” drastic action.

“For far too long, comrades, the Texas Senate has been an obstacle to the Revolution,” Casar continued. “It’s time to hold them accountable for their crimes. I am seriously considering leading that charge.”

“The time has come to bring the same glories to the Texas Senate that we have seen in Cuba, North Korea, and Venezuela.”

The Texas Association of Business announced their endorsement of Casar shortly thereafter.

Abbott, Adler, pledge to mutually exploit homelessness for political purposes

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Austin — As the Texas’ capitol city’s homelessness crisis enters its fifth month, Governor Greg Abbott and Mayor Steve Adler have reached an agreement.

“An ongoing homelessness crisis is exactly what I need to convince voters to approve a big tax increase,” explained Adler, “furthermore, it’s a great excuse to appoint my friends and cronies to six-figure jobs inside city government.”

“Meanwhile, I pledge to do the absolute bare minimum to keep Fox News talking about this topic,” said Abbott, while also noting fundraising opportunities.

Austinites were sobbing quietly.