Austinites Livid Mayor didn’t stay in Mexico

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AUSTIN — Following the disclosure that their Mayor took an international trip in violation of his own COVID recommendations, Austin residents are frustrated.

“Why did he have to come back?!?” inquired Emily Cantone of Bouldin Creek.

“Under Steve Adler’s so-called ‘leadership’ our city has become a gigantic open air homeless encampment with an alarming rise in crime. That’s on top of the insane property taxes and ongoing affordability crisis,” added Eric Perkins of Circle C. “We would have been better off if he had just stayed in Cabo.”

A group is expected to launch a petition drive shortly calling for Mayor Adler’s permanent relocation to Mexico.

Austin City Council Votes to Replace Police Department with Rainbow Unicorns Images: “Labeled for reuse.”

AUSTIN — Following a long and contentious meeting, the Austin City Council unanimously voted to replace the local police department with a squad of rainbow unicorns.

The measure, originally proposed by councilmember Greg Casar, abolishes the Austin police department. In its place, council directed city manager Spencer Cronk to hire 1300 unicorns. Council expects the unicorns to eliminate displacement, end homelessness, and get rid of all forms of social inequity.

Mayor Steve Adler hailed the development as “forward looking and transformative,” and “a progressive model for all cities.”

Councilmember Jimmy Flannigan amended the measure to make the unicorns rainbow “in honor of pride month.”

Casar “Seriously Considering” Summarily Executing Texas Senate

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AUSTIN — Following Senator Kirk Watson’s surprise announcement that he would resign from the Texas Senate, Austin City Councilmember Greg Casar said he was “seriously considering” drastic action.

“For far too long, comrades, the Texas Senate has been an obstacle to the Revolution,” Casar continued. “It’s time to hold them accountable for their crimes. I am seriously considering leading that charge.”

“The time has come to bring the same glories to the Texas Senate that we have seen in Cuba, North Korea, and Venezuela.”

The Texas Association of Business announced their endorsement of Casar shortly thereafter.

Abbott, Adler, pledge to mutually exploit homelessness for political purposes

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Austin — As the Texas’ capitol city’s homelessness crisis enters its fifth month, Governor Greg Abbott and Mayor Steve Adler have reached an agreement.

“An ongoing homelessness crisis is exactly what I need to convince voters to approve a big tax increase,” explained Adler, “furthermore, it’s a great excuse to appoint my friends and cronies to six-figure jobs inside city government.”

“Meanwhile, I pledge to do the absolute bare minimum to keep Fox News talking about this topic,” said Abbott, while also noting fundraising opportunities.

Austinites were sobbing quietly.