Cornyn waiting to see Abbott’s polling before taking position on refugees

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WASHINGTON — Talking with reporters the day after Governor Abbott removed Texas from the federal refugee resettlement program, Senator John Cornyn said he was withholding judgement until he could meet with the Governor.

“As you’re aware, Governor Abbott polls everything,” Cornyn said, “and in an election year it would be foolish for me to comment before I saw it.”

“For now, I’ll defer to the Governor’s political consultants.”

The Republican party of Texas praised Cornyn for his courage.

Republican Candidate attempts Bold Strategy of Not Being Complete Troglodyte

Screenshot: Genevieve Collins campaign video “100% Texan.”

DALLAS — Running for the Republican nomination in the 32nd congressional district, candidate Genevieve Collins recently released a campaign video highlighting biographical accomplishments. In the video, Collins discussed her business background and how it influences her views on the economy. According to sources, the whole thing was “surprisingly normal.”

“Imagine that,” the source continued, “a Republican candidate eschewing monosyllabic buzzwords.”

“What’s next, a serious discussion of issues?!?”

Officials at Fox News cautioned against expecting the latter outcome.

Texas A&M declares themselves “Best 8-5 team in the country”

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College Station – Following their first victory over a team with a winning record this season, Texas A&M football celebrated a “massively successful” season.

“This was huge, ” said head coach Jimbo Fischer. “I mean, we SMOKED Texas State. Lamar?!? UTSA?!? Come on!!!”

“That’s massively successful,” Fischer continued. “Sure, we lost to almost every team we played with a winning record, but you can’t win ’em all. We’re easily the best 8-5 team in the country.”

Reports that Texas A&M planned to offer Fischer a raise and an extension could not be confirmed as of press time.

Council on Foreign Relations expels George P. Bush for Incompetence

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GEORGE SOROS’ SECRET LAIR— Texas Land Commissioner George P. Bush has been expelled from the Council on Foreign Relations.

Following revelations that the Texas General Land office funneled an oil lease into a company in which Bush had unvested stock options, the Council on Foreign Relations held an emergency meeting to expel Bush from the group.

“Several years ago, the CFR anointed George P. Bush to rewrite the history of the Alamo,” the group said in a statement. “Since then, Bush’s incompetence has laid bare our intentions. Yesterday’s Texas Tribune report was the scandal that broke the bimbo’s back.”

“We’re globalists, not retards.”

Abbott Endorses Sarah Davis’ Honesty on Abortion

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West University Place — Following a contentious 2018 primary battle, Governor Greg Abbott today endorsed State Representative Sarah Davis for another term in 2020.

“Sarah Davis represents exactly what voters have come to expect from Texas Republicans,” said Abbott.

“Whereas other legislators use deception and sleight of hand to hide their true position on abortion, Sarah Davis is open and upfront about hers.”

“Sarah Davis’ honesty is something other Republican legislators would do well to emulate and I fully endorse her.”

State Representative Denounces “Damn Chinamen”

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FT. BEND COUNTY — Facing the first credible primary challenge of his career, Republican State Representative Rick Miller recently attacked his political opponents.

“These Damn Chinamen are coming out of nowhere,” Miller lamented. “They’re everywhere. Now they want my seat.”

When informed that his opponent, Jacey Jetton, was actually Korean, Miller was defiant.

“They all look the same to me.”

Herman claims to be “Totally Not Arrogant You Stupid Twit”

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AUSTIN — Following his team’s 24-10 loss to Baylor this past week, Texas Longhorns head football coach Tom Herman met the media on Monday.

“Obviously, last week was disappointing, but we have to regroup and go 1-0 against Texas Tech,” said Herman.

Asked if he had gotten out-coached, or grown arrogant in Year 3, Herman was defiant.

“Look, we have a system at the University of Texas,” Herman continued. “I hire the assistants coaches, then they tell me how awesome I am. That hasn’t changed. So I’m totally not arrogant you stupid twit.

The Longhorns have lost four or more games for ten consecutive seasons.

Kardashian intimidated by Lt. Governor’s Attention Seeking

Found on Twitter

Houston — Following a recent encounter at a religiously-themed entertainment center, reality TV star Kim Kardashian told friends she was “intimidated” by Texas Lt. Governor Dan Patrick.

“That dude’s crazy. I almost got whiplash keeping up with all the cameras. To be honest, it was kind of intimidating.”

“I guess releasing a sex tape is nothing compared to politician who thinks he’s won the Super Bowl.”

Governor Angry with Fast Food Restaurant for Foiling Plan to Deceive Voters

Screenshot: Greg Abbott Twitter

Austin — Texas Governor Greg Abbott was upset following Chick-fil-a’s recent controversial decision to redirect a portion of their corporate philanthropy.

“Over the past six months,” Abbott said, “my administration has diligently sought to create the perception that the third wealthiest restaurant chain in the country faced a mortal threat from which they could only be saved by Texas politicians.”

“Chick-fil-a’s recent announcements pose a mortal threat to that effort, less than a year before the 2020 election.”

Abbott vowed to spite Chick-fil-a by eating some of the worst BBQ in the state.

Legislator retires to become Full Time Mule for Drug Cartels

Texas Department of Public Safety via Direct Action Texas

Eagle Pass — Citing an “exciting new opportunity” state representative Poncho Nevarez last Friday announced his retirement from the Texas house of representatives.

“Following close to a decade of loyal service, I’ve been given an exciting new opportunity to secure generational wealth for my family.”

Nevarez, who currently chairs the Texas house’s Homeland Security committee, was known as a fierce opponent of Border Security during his time in the legislature.

Nevarez is expected to take over the Eagle Pass to Austin route.