Herman claims to be “Totally Not Arrogant You Stupid Twit”

Google Images — Licensed for Reuse

AUSTIN — Following his team’s 24-10 loss to Baylor this past week, Texas Longhorns head football coach Tom Herman met the media on Monday.

“Obviously, last week was disappointing, but we have to regroup and go 1-0 against Texas Tech,” said Herman.

Asked if he had gotten out-coached, or grown arrogant in Year 3, Herman was defiant.

“Look, we have a system at the University of Texas,” Herman continued. “I hire the assistants coaches, then they tell me how awesome I am. That hasn’t changed. So I’m totally not arrogant you stupid twit.

The Longhorns have lost four or more games for ten consecutive seasons.

Kardashian intimidated by Lt. Governor’s Attention Seeking

Found on Twitter

Houston — Following a recent encounter at a religiously-themed entertainment center, reality TV star Kim Kardashian told friends she was “intimidated” by Texas Lt. Governor Dan Patrick.

“That dude’s crazy. I almost got whiplash keeping up with all the cameras. To be honest, it was kind of intimidating.”

“I guess releasing a sex tape is nothing compared to politician who thinks he’s won the Super Bowl.”

Governor Angry with Fast Food Restaurant for Foiling Plan to Deceive Voters

Screenshot: Greg Abbott Twitter

Austin — Texas Governor Greg Abbott was upset following Chick-fil-a’s recent controversial decision to redirect a portion of their corporate philanthropy.

“Over the past six months,” Abbott said, “my administration has diligently sought to create the perception that the third wealthiest restaurant chain in the country faced a mortal threat from which they could only be saved by Texas politicians.”

“Chick-fil-a’s recent announcements pose a mortal threat to that effort, less than a year before the 2020 election.”

Abbott vowed to spite Chick-fil-a by eating some of the worst BBQ in the state.

Legislator retires to become Full Time Mule for Drug Cartels

Texas Department of Public Safety via Direct Action Texas

Eagle Pass — Citing an “exciting new opportunity” state representative Poncho Nevarez last Friday announced his retirement from the Texas house of representatives.

“Following close to a decade of loyal service, I’ve been given an exciting new opportunity to secure generational wealth for my family.”

Nevarez, who currently chairs the Texas house’s Homeland Security committee, was known as a fierce opponent of Border Security during his time in the legislature.

Nevarez is expected to take over the Eagle Pass to Austin route.

Jerry Jones sleeps on bed of taxpayer dollars following loss

Flickr via Google Images “Labeled for Resuse”

Arlington — After the Dallas Cowboys shocking 28-24 loss to the Minnesota Vikings last night, team owner Jerry Jones (net worth: $8.5 Billion) slept on a bed constructed exclusively out of Texans’ tax dollars.

The bed, primarily consisting revenues generated from a stadium constructed at the expense of local Arlington taxpayers, also contains generous contributions from the state of Texas’ “Major Events Trust Fund.”

Additionally, Frisco taxpayers are reported to have ponied up through shouldering construction costs for the Cowboys practice facility.

“Who needs to win football games when taxpayers pay us regardless?!?” asked Jones.

The Cowboys last won a Super Bowl in 1996.

Abbott, Adler, pledge to mutually exploit homelessness for political purposes

Google Images; labeled for reuse.

Austin — As the Texas’ capitol city’s homelessness crisis enters its fifth month, Governor Greg Abbott and Mayor Steve Adler have reached an agreement.

“An ongoing homelessness crisis is exactly what I need to convince voters to approve a big tax increase,” explained Adler, “furthermore, it’s a great excuse to appoint my friends and cronies to six-figure jobs inside city government.”

“Meanwhile, I pledge to do the absolute bare minimum to keep Fox News talking about this topic,” said Abbott, while also noting fundraising opportunities.

Austinites were sobbing quietly.

Tribune Marks End of O’Rourke Campaign with Candlelight Vigil

Google Images “Marked for Reuse”

Congress Ave — Following Beto O’Rourke’s departure from the 2020 presidential race, several Texas Tribune reporters and staffers were seen holding candles Friday night.

“I felt like this was something we had to do,” said Editor-in-chief Emily Ramshaw. “Beto just meant so much to us. It’s hard to believe it’s over.”

“Numb. Just numb. That’s how I feel” offered national correspondent Abby Livingston.

According to Executive Editor Ross Ramsey, “the biggest challenge is going to be filling the news-hole now that the subject of 60% of our coverage has departed.”

“We’ve certainly lost our meal ticket,” explained founder and CEO Evan Smith.

“We’re certainly going to have to tweak our business model,” Smith continued, “hopefully the Austin lobbyist crowd is interested.”

For now, the Tribune plans to distribute coloring books and puppies in the newsroom.

In secret recording, Bonnen calls Babylon Bee “chump ass suckers”

Texas Legislative Reference Library

Following the recent publication of “Texas Luring Jobs Away From California with Promises of Electricity” in the Babylon Bee, the #TXLEGE report has obtained a recording of House speaker Dennis Bonnen discussing the article:

Can you believe what I got the Babylon Bee to publish?!?

Last session, the Texas Senate passed SB 76 to ensure abundant, reliable, power. The Texas house killed the bill in the Calendars Committee. It’s a matter of public record, but they didn’t check.

I literally killed a bill at the behest of power company CEO’s, and I’m now getting praised as a custodian of reliable power supplies.

What a bunch of chump-ass suckers.

Leach: Bonnen Retirement Announcement “Not so bad in geologic time”

Flickr.com

Plano — Following accusations he turned a blind eye to scandals surrounding soon-to-be former Speaker Dennis Bonnen, State Rep. Jeff Leach (R) tells the #TXLEGE Report “you guys don’t understand.”

“I’m a chairman now,” explained Leach, who was in charge of the Texas House committee on civil jurisprudence this past session.

“That carries certain responsibilities.”

“If I’m not loyal to leadership, they’ll be mean to me. I might lose my chairmanship. Then how will I fund my campaign?!?”

“Besides,” Leach continued, “who’s to say we have a proper understanding of time?!? Did you know that animals perceive time differently than humans?!? They have a completely different frame rate.”

“It’s all about perspective. Secular scientists say the earth is over 4 billion years old. Why worry about three months?!? It’s not so bad in geologic time.”

Leach simultaneously announced an upcoming Austin fundraiser.

Bonnen Reveals “Psychological Operations”

Texas House of Representatives, official website

Following Tuesday’s release of the audio recording of his June meeting with Michael Quinn Sullivan, Texas House Speaker Dennis Bonnen has sent the #TXLEGE report the following statement:

Since my election as Texas House speaker, I have become increasingly concerned about integrity levels in the Republican caucus.

On June 12th of this year, I met with Empower Texans CEO Michael Quinn Sullivan. During this meeting, I gave the appearance of a quid pro quo. I would grant Sullivan’s organization press credentials in exchange for political expenditures against my rivals.

At all times, I knew Sullivan would record the meeting and that he would eventually make the recording public.

My plan, all along, was to make Sullivan an obviously and transparently unethical proposal…then see who would defend it.

This was a psychological operations campaign designed to reveal which members of the Republican caucus would defend the indefensible.

No, really, I swear.