AUSTIN — Following his team’s 24-10 loss to Baylor this past week, Texas Longhorns head football coach Tom Herman met the media on Monday.
“Obviously, last week was disappointing, but we have to regroup and go 1-0 against Texas Tech,” said Herman.
Asked if he had gotten out-coached, or grown arrogant in Year 3, Herman was defiant.
“Look, we have a system at the University of Texas,” Herman continued. “I hire the assistants coaches, then they tell me how awesome I am. That hasn’t changed. So I’m totally not arrogant you stupid twit.
The Longhorns have lost four or more games for ten consecutive seasons.
Austin — Texas Governor Greg Abbott was upset following Chick-fil-a’s recent controversial decision to redirect a portion of their corporate philanthropy.
“Over the past six months,” Abbott said, “my administration has diligently sought to create the perception that the third wealthiest restaurant chain in the country faced a mortal threat from which they could only be saved by Texas politicians.”
“Chick-fil-a’s recent announcements pose a mortal threat to that effort, less than a year before the 2020 election.”
Abbott vowed to spite Chick-fil-a by eating some of the worst BBQ in the state.
Arlington — After the Dallas Cowboys shocking 28-24 loss to the Minnesota Vikings last night, team owner Jerry Jones (net worth: $8.5 Billion) slept on a bed constructed exclusively out of Texans’ tax dollars.
Austin — As the Texas’ capitol city’s homelessness crisis enters its fifth month, Governor Greg Abbott and Mayor Steve Adler have reached an agreement.
“An ongoing homelessness crisis is exactly what I need to convince voters to approve a big tax increase,” explained Adler, “furthermore, it’s a great excuse to appoint my friends and cronies to six-figure jobs inside city government.”
“Meanwhile, I pledge to do the absolute bare minimum to keep Fox News talking about this topic,” said Abbott, while also noting fundraising opportunities.
Following the recent publication of “Texas Luring Jobs Away From California with Promises of Electricity” in the Babylon Bee, the #TXLEGE report has obtained a recording of House speaker Dennis Bonnen discussing the article:
Can you believe what I got the Babylon Bee to publish?!?
Following Tuesday’s release of the audio recording of his June meeting with Michael Quinn Sullivan, Texas House Speaker Dennis Bonnen has sent the #TXLEGE report the following statement:
Since my election as Texas House speaker, I have become increasingly concerned about integrity levels in the Republican caucus.
On June 12th of this year, I met with Empower Texans CEO Michael Quinn Sullivan. During this meeting, I gave the appearance of a quid pro quo. I would grant Sullivan’s organization press credentials in exchange for political expenditures against my rivals.
At all times, I knew Sullivan would record the meeting and that he would eventually make the recording public.
My plan, all along, was to make Sullivan an obviously and transparently unethical proposal…then see who would defend it.
This was a psychological operations campaign designed to reveal which members of the Republican caucus would defend the indefensible.