Abbott Polling How to Create Impression of Caring about Homelessness without Doing Anything

Google Images: Labeled for Reuse

AUSTIN — Following high-profile feuds with local officials over the city’s ongoing homelessness crisis, Governor Greg Abbott is conducting a poll.

“This data will allow me to resassure Texans that I have their best interests at heart,” said Abbott.

“Obviously, I could call a special session to override Austin’s ordinance,” Abbott continued. “Or I could simply follow through on my earlier promises to clear the areas where the state has jurisdiction. But might make people mad.”

Fox News praised Governor Abbott.

Murphy, Teacher Retirement System, to trade Best Practices for Ripping Off Taxpayers

DOWNTOWN AUSTIN — Following revelations the Teacher Retirement System of Texas signed a lease for luxury office space at $326,000 per month, Chairman Jim Murphy vowed swift action.

“This is unprecedented,” Murphy said, “we have to learn more.”

Murphy, who in 2018 was discovered to have a secret second job earning $56,000 per month at taxpayer expense, continued: “How can I get in on that?!?”

Representatives Jeff Leach, Matt Krause, and Drew Springer praised Murphy for his courage.

O’Rourke Convinces Democrats to Light Gigantic Pile of Money on Fire

TexasScorecard.com

FT. BEND COUNTY — Heading into the crucial 2020 election, failed United States Senate and Presidential candidate Robert Francis O’Rourke hosted a gigantic financial bonfire Tuesday night.

Standing next to Eliz Markowitz, an unsuccessful candidate for state representative, O’Rourke said: “Tonight’s financial bonfire is an unprecedented opportunity for Texas.”

“Over the next nine months, we intend to do the exact same thing over and over again expecting different results.”

When it was pointed out that his party lost ground in Tuesday’s special election, compared to the 2018 cycle, O’Rourke called the questioner a racist.

Party Chairman Candidate Vows to Focus on Personal Enrichment

Flickr via. Google Images “Labeled for Reuse”

NORTH CAROLINA — Speaking to an out of state group, Republican Party of Texas chairman candidate Allan West called his candidacy “an unprecedented opportunity.”

“Between book deals, cable news appearances, and speaking fees,” said West, “we can make 2020 my greatest year yet.”

“This is an unprecedented opportunity to distract voters from the failures of our party in the legislature through sensationalist commentary on national issues.”

Texas Alliance for Life Executive Director Joe Pojman said he was “pleased to have a man after my own heart running for Party chairman.”

Cornyn waiting to see Abbott’s polling before taking position on refugees

Images courtesy of “Google Images: Labeled for reuse”

WASHINGTON — Talking with reporters the day after Governor Abbott removed Texas from the federal refugee resettlement program, Senator John Cornyn said he was withholding judgement until he could meet with the Governor.

“As you’re aware, Governor Abbott polls everything,” Cornyn said, “and in an election year it would be foolish for me to comment before I saw it.”

“For now, I’ll defer to the Governor’s political consultants.”

The Republican party of Texas praised Cornyn for his courage.

Republican Candidate attempts Bold Strategy of Not Being Complete Troglodyte

Screenshot: Genevieve Collins campaign video “100% Texan.”

DALLAS — Running for the Republican nomination in the 32nd congressional district, candidate Genevieve Collins recently released a campaign video highlighting biographical accomplishments. In the video, Collins discussed her business background and how it influences her views on the economy. According to sources, the whole thing was “surprisingly normal.”

“Imagine that,” the source continued, “a Republican candidate eschewing monosyllabic buzzwords.”

“What’s next, a serious discussion of issues?!?”

Officials at Fox News cautioned against expecting the latter outcome.

Texas A&M declares themselves “Best 8-5 team in the country”

Google Images “Labeled For Reuse”

College Station – Following their first victory over a team with a winning record this season, Texas A&M football celebrated a “massively successful” season.

“This was huge, ” said head coach Jimbo Fischer. “I mean, we SMOKED Texas State. Lamar?!? UTSA?!? Come on!!!”

“That’s massively successful,” Fischer continued. “Sure, we lost to almost every team we played with a winning record, but you can’t win ’em all. We’re easily the best 8-5 team in the country.”

Reports that Texas A&M planned to offer Fischer a raise and an extension could not be confirmed as of press time.

Council on Foreign Relations expels George P. Bush for Incompetence

Flickr via Google Images: Labeled for reuse

GEORGE SOROS’ SECRET LAIR— Texas Land Commissioner George P. Bush has been expelled from the Council on Foreign Relations.

Following revelations that the Texas General Land office funneled an oil lease into a company in which Bush had unvested stock options, the Council on Foreign Relations held an emergency meeting to expel Bush from the group.

“Several years ago, the CFR anointed George P. Bush to rewrite the history of the Alamo,” the group said in a statement. “Since then, Bush’s incompetence has laid bare our intentions. Yesterday’s Texas Tribune report was the scandal that broke the bimbo’s back.”

“We’re globalists, not retards.”

Abbott Endorses Sarah Davis’ Honesty on Abortion

Google Images “Labeled for reuse”/Texas House of Representatives website

West University Place — Following a contentious 2018 primary battle, Governor Greg Abbott today endorsed State Representative Sarah Davis for another term in 2020.

“Sarah Davis represents exactly what voters have come to expect from Texas Republicans,” said Abbott.

“Whereas other legislators use deception and sleight of hand to hide their true position on abortion, Sarah Davis is open and upfront about hers.”

“Sarah Davis’ honesty is something other Republican legislators would do well to emulate and I fully endorse her.”

State Representative Denounces “Damn Chinamen”

Flickr. via Google Images “Labeled for Reuse”

FT. BEND COUNTY — Facing the first credible primary challenge of his career, Republican State Representative Rick Miller recently attacked his political opponents.

“These Damn Chinamen are coming out of nowhere,” Miller lamented. “They’re everywhere. Now they want my seat.”

When informed that his opponent, Jacey Jetton, was actually Korean, Miller was defiant.

“They all look the same to me.”