Dallas Cowboys Announce Signing of Antonio Brown

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ARLINGTON — The Dallas Cowboys have announced the signing of Pro-Bowl reciever Antonio Brown.

The receiver, who has been out of the league following sexual assault accusations in 2019, is expected to compliment the Cowboys’ receiving corps.

“We are pleased to announce the signing of Antonio Brown,” said team owner Jerry Jones. “Antonio is a fine young man and an example of the character and values we expect of our organization. From Dez Bryant, to Ezekiel Elliot, to myself, we expect Antonio to carry on the great traditions of the Dallas Cowboys.”

Brown had reportedly been under consideration for a coaching position at Baylor University.

Abbott announces state will reopen “according to campaign contributions and polling results”

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AUSTIN — Appearing at an end of week news conference, Governor Greg Abbott announced a ‘strike force’ to guide Texas through post-Coronavirus re-opening.

“Over the next ten days,” Abbott said, “I have instructed my team to examine campaign finance records. In addition, I have authorized an unprecedented outlay for in-field political polling. This data driven approach will guide me in the coming weeks.”

Abbott’s strike forces is excpected to report back within ten days, at which time Abbott “hopes to begin targeted reopenings according to campaign contributions and polling results.”

The Texas Association of Business praised Abbott’s “bold and visionary” approach.

Abbott to reopen economy as soon as polling indicates it’s safe

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AUSTIN — Following Lt. Governor Dan Patrick’s creation of an advisory committee to advise on post-Coronavirus economic restoration, Governor Greg Abbott has pledged to issue an executive order next week to guide the process.

“I intended to collect all of the greatest experts in the business,” Abbott said. “From Gallup, to Rasmussen, to NBC News/Wall St. Journal, to Zogby, to several of my own private pollsters, they will guide my every move.”

“As soon as I am confident 50%+1 of our citizens will support such a move,” Abbott continued, “I will move swiftly to reopen Texas.”

Texas Democrats responded to Abbott’s move by calling it racist.

Patrick Proposes Harvesting Elderly for Soylent Green to promote Coronavirus Economic Recovery

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HOUSTON — In a recent appearance on Fox News’ Tucker Carlson show, Lt. Governor proposed what he called an “innovative solution” to address the economic fallout from the Coronavirus pandemic.

“As this shutdown continues with no end in sight, the economic repercussions have become clear” Patrick said. Too many Texans are struggling to put food on the table. Meanwhile, Senior Citizens clog our health care facilities and reduce capacity.”

“Therefore,” Patrick continued, “I am proposing the slaughter of Texans over the age of 70 for purposes of food. Senior citizens are a robust source of protein. This is the type of innovative solution and outside the box thinking Texas needs.

Governor Greg Abbott said he would discuss Patrick’s proposal at a Tuesday press conference.

Winning Legislative Candidates Uncross Fingers

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AUSTIN — Following hard fought and contentious primary elections, a bipartisan group of incoming freshmen legislators from safe districts held their first meeting.

“It was really productive,” said Republican candidate Honkey Q. Cracker. “It was refreshing to hear from lobbyists and political insiders, rather than my friends and neighbors on the campaign trail. While I ran on abolishing abortion, banning taxpayer funded lobbying, and capping government spending, what I’m looking forward to most is shoveling ever increasing sums of taxpayer dollars to unionized government employees.”

Democrat candidate Latina X. Personofcolor concurred: “While I ran on protecting the rights of women and indiginous peoples, I can’t wait to dramatically expand corporate subsides.

The Texas Association of Business praised Cracker and Personofcolor for their “ability to set campaign rhetoric aside and realize it’s time to govern.”

Casar “Seriously Considering” Summarily Executing Texas Senate

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AUSTIN — Following Senator Kirk Watson’s surprise announcement that he would resign from the Texas Senate, Austin City Councilmember Greg Casar said he was “seriously considering” drastic action.

“For far too long, comrades, the Texas Senate has been an obstacle to the Revolution,” Casar continued. “It’s time to hold them accountable for their crimes. I am seriously considering leading that charge.”

“The time has come to bring the same glories to the Texas Senate that we have seen in Cuba, North Korea, and Venezuela.”

The Texas Association of Business announced their endorsement of Casar shortly thereafter.

Abbott Polling How to Create Impression of Caring about Homelessness without Doing Anything

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AUSTIN — Following high-profile feuds with local officials over the city’s ongoing homelessness crisis, Governor Greg Abbott is conducting a poll.

“This data will allow me to resassure Texans that I have their best interests at heart,” said Abbott.

“Obviously, I could call a special session to override Austin’s ordinance,” Abbott continued. “Or I could simply follow through on my earlier promises to clear the areas where the state has jurisdiction. But might make people mad.”

Fox News praised Governor Abbott.

Murphy, Teacher Retirement System, to trade Best Practices for Ripping Off Taxpayers

DOWNTOWN AUSTIN — Following revelations the Teacher Retirement System of Texas signed a lease for luxury office space at $326,000 per month, Chairman Jim Murphy vowed swift action.

“This is unprecedented,” Murphy said, “we have to learn more.”

Murphy, who in 2018 was discovered to have a secret second job earning $56,000 per month at taxpayer expense, continued: “How can I get in on that?!?”

Representatives Jeff Leach, Matt Krause, and Drew Springer praised Murphy for his courage.

O’Rourke Convinces Democrats to Light Gigantic Pile of Money on Fire

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FT. BEND COUNTY — Heading into the crucial 2020 election, failed United States Senate and Presidential candidate Robert Francis O’Rourke hosted a gigantic financial bonfire Tuesday night.

Standing next to Eliz Markowitz, an unsuccessful candidate for state representative, O’Rourke said: “Tonight’s financial bonfire is an unprecedented opportunity for Texas.”

“Over the next nine months, we intend to do the exact same thing over and over again expecting different results.”

When it was pointed out that his party lost ground in Tuesday’s special election, compared to the 2018 cycle, O’Rourke called the questioner a racist.

Party Chairman Candidate Vows to Focus on Personal Enrichment

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NORTH CAROLINA — Speaking to an out of state group, Republican Party of Texas chairman candidate Allan West called his candidacy “an unprecedented opportunity.”

“Between book deals, cable news appearances, and speaking fees,” said West, “we can make 2020 my greatest year yet.”

“This is an unprecedented opportunity to distract voters from the failures of our party in the legislature through sensationalist commentary on national issues.”

Texas Alliance for Life Executive Director Joe Pojman said he was “pleased to have a man after my own heart running for Party chairman.”