Murphy, Teacher Retirement System, to trade Best Practices for Ripping Off Taxpayers

DOWNTOWN AUSTIN — Following revelations the Teacher Retirement System of Texas signed a lease for luxury office space at $326,000 per month, Chairman Jim Murphy vowed swift action.

“This is unprecedented,” Murphy said, “we have to learn more.”

Murphy, who in 2018 was discovered to have a secret second job earning $56,000 per month at taxpayer expense, continued: “How can I get in on that?!?”

Representatives Jeff Leach, Matt Krause, and Drew Springer praised Murphy for his courage.

Leach: Bonnen Retirement Announcement “Not so bad in geologic time”

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Plano — Following accusations he turned a blind eye to scandals surrounding soon-to-be former Speaker Dennis Bonnen, State Rep. Jeff Leach (R) tells the #TXLEGE Report “you guys don’t understand.”

“I’m a chairman now,” explained Leach, who was in charge of the Texas House committee on civil jurisprudence this past session.

“That carries certain responsibilities.”

“If I’m not loyal to leadership, they’ll be mean to me. I might lose my chairmanship. Then how will I fund my campaign?!?”

“Besides,” Leach continued, “who’s to say we have a proper understanding of time?!? Did you know that animals perceive time differently than humans?!? They have a completely different frame rate.”

“It’s all about perspective. Secular scientists say the earth is over 4 billion years old. Why worry about three months?!? It’s not so bad in geologic time.”

Leach simultaneously announced an upcoming Austin fundraiser.